5th June 2009

From our transport correspondent

London: Breaking all official policies on the issue of speaking with or nodding to high quality media sources, Saj the TSN’s main transport correspondent has learnt that Pakistan intend to win a game during their trip to England.

This startling revelation to Saj was made by Pakistan’s missing media manager, Babu the toilet cleaner, in a recorded televised telephone interview from Faisalabad.

Babu, whose real name is babu spoke to Saj on the condition of anonymity.

He apologized to all Pakistani fans and the team for missing the flight to London. He laid the blame squarely on PCB and Jamshed the Rickshaw driver who lost his way to the airport, instead taking Babu to the local railway station.

According to local media reports, Babu subsequently boarded a train and as a consequence is now stranded at Sama Satta Railway station where he is doing what he can to help out. In the meantime, he’s asked Intikhab Alam and Younis Khan to sms him if they need help in answering any media queries…

On the topic of cricket, Babu indicated that it was completely untrue that he had warts on his unmentionables – however, he did indicate that he had been told by his contacts in England that the Pakistani team were trying their best to ensure that they win a game. In this regard, the Pakistani team have identified Netherlands as their prime goal this month.

Babu explained that Pakistani had learnt many important lessons from its previous warm-up matches which would be put to good use in the forthcoming key tie against the Netherlands. When pressed further, he pointed out to Pakistan’s tactics of showing up any time up to 20 seconds before the toss and, what to the untrained eye appears to be, the randomness of the fielding drills which would throw the opposition in total disarray.

To attain these goals, the Pakistani management has employed the services of well trained bus drivers from LaluKhet who have no idea of driving in England as well as Shannoo the Circus Clown from Bander Road, who will instruct players on some wicked clown moves on the field.

According to Babu, the team management would also try supplying 4 boxes of sleep inducing paans to the Dutch team captain to ensure that all bases are covered [Sadly, the previous attempt at this in the India game was thwarted by Intikhab Alam who ate these in error – the effects of which were apparent during the post match interviews] – failing which the master plan B is to allow 15 overs to lapse before a bowling change is made to allow Kamran Akmal to bowl with his wicket keeping gloves on.

Our Cricket correspondent adds:

The mood in the Pakistani camp is that of reserved elation. After their close success in inducing Indian players into coma, the Pakistanis are waiting to unleash their high energy acrobatics on an unsuspecting Netherlands team. Salman Butt, one of the best proponents of the fine art of playing exciting T20 innings has indicated to Saj that he will go all out in the next test match against Sri Lanka. When pointed out that the next immediate threat is from England in a T20 game on Sunday, Salman shrugged his shoulders and did a cartwheel after which he duly collided mid air with Rao Iftikhar.!