Why are Pakistani parents so hasty with marriage? (advice needed..)

[whyamir]

Hi guys, I just thought I'd ask this question on here for obvious reasons (most are Pakistanis, some are over 22 years so they might be familiar with this, etc..). Anyways, my cousin just recently graduated from uni and the talks of marriage have really heated up in his house. He's one of my good friends so obviously I'm one of his frustration venting outlets. He is only 24 years old and his parents have "supposedly" picked out a girl for him in Pakistan and want him to get engaged and soon get married. He thinks he's way to young to even be thinking about this and wants to enjoy life before he thinks about marriage but his parents obviously don't agree with it. I really don't have any advice for him and I am not going to go over and talk to his parents about how they are wrong and they should let him decide when he's ready. He's not the first one in my family to get married at such a young age, or at least the ones I am aware of, as one of my other cousins got engaged/married at 22 - right after graduation but she was happy with it as far as I know.

He doesn't hate his parents but he thinks they are trying to control his life - especially with one of the most important decisions in his life. He doesn't know what to do and has been depressed for the past couple of weeks due to this whole scenario. He's not gay either lol if thats what some of you might be thinking. He's as straight as they come, just isn't ready for marriage yet - with a girl that is.

I was wondering if some of you older PP'ers have any advice for this dude. I know some of you are old enough and must have gone through a similar situation so please, help him out here. What should he do here? Obviously running away is out of the question but he has to confront his parents but doesn't know what he needs to say to make their "pakistani minds" understand that "hey, I'm not ready, let me live a little."

[Saudi]

When you play the Game of Rishtay, you get married or you die....

[whyamir]

When you play the Game of Rishtay, you get married or you die....

http://i.imgur.com/iNYM7.gif


some serious replies please..

[Down2Earth]

tell him to just say no, it's his life at the end of the day. The parents always choose the girl because they want her to look after them.... hire them a nurse or something.

I said "no" two years ago and my dad hasn't said a word to me since, apart from the odd salam here and there.

[Usman]

tell him to just say no, it's his life at the end of the day. The parents always choose the girl because they want her to look after them.... hire them a nurse or something.

I said "no" two years ago and my dad hasn't said a word to me since, apart from the odd salam here and there.

At first the nurse bit made me laugh but that last sentence is sad. But good for you for sticking up for yourself!

And to OP, tell your "friend" to open his mouth and repeat this exact word "NO".

[Sjaloha]

I am assuming that your cousin is still living with his family house. Also, I am assuming that parents have paid for his entire education. If the answer to the above two questions is a yes then there is a very good chance parents will exercise their right and ask him to marry the girl, which parents think is better for him and them. You have to understand that South Asian marriages are not between just two individuals it is starting a new relationship with a new family. I totally see the point what your friend is going through. If he is thinking that he is not ready yet to get marry, I think, and usually, that is not going to fly with "desi" parents. He has to come up with something better than that. A good starting point would be to inform parents that he wants to move in to his own house or apartment once he starts the new job (assuming that he is a recent graduate and he would be actively looking for work). Usually some parents see that a sign of "breaking away from the pack" and there is a good chance they may not put extra pressure. With desi parents it is all "mind games" and you have to be one step ahead of them. Hope this would help.

[Shaddy]

Well, It also depends on what he means by 'enjoying his life' lol. I reckon he would enjoy his life even more with a partner, given that he gets a suitable one. If he doesn't like the girl his parents has chosen for him then may be he should try and convince them of whatever is on his mind. In Islam it is better to get married as soon as you can, it doesn't mean you get married when you don't know jack. If he has graduated then it means he does have a steady head and is well mature to get married. Usually these days parents aren't too fussy about who you get married to as long as the girl is decent and fits in well with the family. Keeping parents happy is very important and dont even think about telling them that you wanna move out or get your own apartment first before getting married. That may not go very well with some parents, They dont feed you all their life to see you leave them at their old age.

[iZeeshan]

I think it's good.

Reduces the chances of sinning. I, for one, want to get married or at least engaged like a year and half or two years after I'm out of college.

[FusedBulb]

Why would or does he hesitate in getting married?
Does he want to have some "fun" before marriage? would he like to party, hang out with girls, may be do sin and indulge in all other "fun" things? Then ask him to be brave enough to tell it his parents that THIS is what he wants to do and hence his marriage should be delayed. Simple.

[MR__KHAN__JI]

I am assuming that your cousin is still living with his family house. Also, I am assuming that parents have paid for his entire education. If the answer to the above two questions is a yes then there is a very good chance parents will exercise their right and ask him to marry the girl, which parents think is better for him and them. You have to understand that South Asian marriages are not between just two individuals it is starting a new relationship with a new family. I totally see the point what your friend is going through. If he is thinking that he is not ready yet to get marry, I think, and usually, that is not going to fly with "desi" parents. He has to come up with something better than that. A good starting point would be to inform parents that he wants to move in to his own house or apartment once he starts the new job (assuming that he is a recent graduate and he would be actively looking for work). Usually some parents see that a sign of "breaking away from the pack" and there is a good chance they may not put extra pressure. With desi parents it is all "mind games" and you have to be one step ahead of them. Hope this would help.

lol... ISI

[kingusama92]

"Enjoy life"? :akhtar

He seems to have made up his mind. Time for him to take a firm stance with his parents and let them know.

24 is quite young for marriage, in my opinion. There is still a lot of enjoyment to be had. :yk

[x-man]

Hey man. Read this carefully. YOU SHOULD FULFILL YOUR PARENTS DESIRE WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT... UNLESS THEY ASK YOU TO DO A SHIRK... this is what god says!! Pakistani in England sound very poor in ISLAM. Yes they can control you! Not next door person.

[LethalSami]

just say to his parents that he hasn't hit puberty yet :asif


thats the only excuse that might work, if they believe him

and what does he mean he's not ready yet??? and Enjoy life?? come on
these 'fun' extracurricular activities can sometimes come back to haunt you :moyo

[LongHorn]

Hey man. Read this carefully. YOU SHOULD FULFILL YOUR PARENTS DESIRE WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT... UNLESS THEY ASK YOU TO DO A SHIRK... this is what god says!! Pakistani in England sound very poor in ISLAM. Yes they can control you! Not next door person.

We are asked to behave good towards our parents and not speak badly to them; however not obeying them is not a sin in many cases.
There are parents who want their child to divorce their spouse, do you think God says they should do so just to fulfil their parents desire ?
There are also parents who want their child to marry someone they dont want to, not obeying them is definitely not a sin as every person has the right to agree or disagree to a spouse choice

In the OP case, i think he should marry as 24 is not really too young to get married unless he is not working.
I myself got married at 24, and i am glad i did so rather than have "fun" and them marry late

[youboy]

Why Early Marriages are Important in Islam? by Dr. Israr Ahmed

06GNhvQmtqg

[Watsupdoc]

I think there are benefits to marrying early, as iZeeshan said it reduces the chance of sinning.

[Fireworks11]

24/25 is a good age.

Marriage is a gamble but so is crossing the road.

[the Great Khan]

I got married at 26..he is 24 and shouls wait till he's 26 or 27..I would go and travel a bit, and see the world a bit more..maybe get a job and experience life before tying the knot..

he should negotiate with his parents and be thoughtful and caring..at the end of the day if he says yes he does have some power to dictate how things go..

tell him to stop being a sissy and "getting depressed" etc ..gros some cahona's and start negotiating..especially with Mama..unless he has eyes for another girl and doesnt want to marry the said girl from pakistan..time to be honest..

[Cpt. Rishwat]

Why doesn't he grow up and leave home? Getting married to someone in Pakistan sounds like something which should really have been left behind by educated Canadian Pakistanis as opposed to us backwards Brits.

He's right to oppose being pressured into a marriage he doesn't want. On the other hand, he should recognise that it's not normal to be 24 and living the life of a virgin. Most Canadians I would imagine are dating as soon as they hit puberty so they don't need to get married at an early age.

If your friend also has a girlfriend then he should get out of Mummy/Daddy's house and start living the Canadian life he dreams of. If not then is it some other issue which he doesn't want to talk about? Is he gay?

[whyamir]

I am assuming that your cousin is still living with his family house. Also, I am assuming that parents have paid for his entire education. If the answer to the above two questions is a yes then there is a very good chance parents will exercise their right and ask him to marry the girl, which parents think is better for him and them. You have to understand that South Asian marriages are not between just two individuals it is starting a new relationship with a new family. I totally see the point what your friend is going through. If he is thinking that he is not ready yet to get marry, I think, and usually, that is not going to fly with "desi" parents. He has to come up with something better than that. A good starting point would be to inform parents that he wants to move in to his own house or apartment once he starts the new job (assuming that he is a recent graduate and he would be actively looking for work). Usually some parents see that a sign of "breaking away from the pack" and there is a good chance they may not put extra pressure. With desi parents it is all "mind games" and you have to be one step ahead of them. Hope this would help.

Bang on. He still does live with his parents and my uncle is really well off so he did pay for his entire education (undergard + masters). They even use that as leverage and how my cousin isn't fulfilling his "right" as a son after all they did for him, etc, etc. He did tell me that he wants to move out but the thing is he is still looking for a job, so he's not really in a position to be renting an apartment or getting a house.

I got married at 26..he is 24 and shouls wait till he's 26 or 27..I would go and travel a bit, and see the world a bit more..maybe get a job and experience life before tying the knot..

he should negotiate with his parents and be thoughtful and caring..at the end of the day if he says yes he does have some power to dictate how things go..

tell him to stop being a sissy and "getting depressed" etc ..gros some cahona's and start negotiating..especially with Mama..unless he has eyes for another girl and doesnt want to marry the said girl from pakistan..time to be honest..

That's exactly what I meant by "enjoy life." A lot of people misunderstood what I said lol. I wasn't talking about him going out for hookers/bars and all that crazy stuff, he's not really like that. He has plans to travel with his buddies and do other things before "tying the knot." He does have a girlfriend (which his parents obv. don't know about) but I don't think it's anything THAT serious, to the point of getting married to her at least. He tried the negotiating bit with his parents but it didn't fly at all. He didn't mention travel but he just said that he doesn't want to get married just yet until he finds a job, settles down, and when he feels he's ready - and his parent obviously think that his reasoning is nothing but inane. I think they are just trying to pressure him until he finally gives in you know? He has tried talking to his mom but my uncle is just really stubborn and obviously my uncle has the finally say...

Why doesn't he grow up and leave home? Getting married to someone in Pakistan sounds like something which should really have been left behind by educated Canadian Pakistanis as opposed to us backwards Brits.

He's right to oppose being pressured into a marriage he doesn't want. On the other hand, he should recognise that it's not normal to be 24 and living the life of a virgin. Most Canadians I would imagine are dating as soon as they hit puberty so they don't need to get married at an early age.

If your friend also has a girlfriend then he should get out of Mummy/Daddy's house and start living the Canadian life he dreams of. If not then is it some other issue which he doesn't want to talk about? Is he gay?

He wants to move out but can't because he just recently graduated and is still looking for a job. He didn't work one bit throughout his undergrad/masters because my uncle paid for it all and I don't think my uncle is gonna go ahead and pay for his apartment with the intention of "moving away from the pack to avoid being tied down in marriage." He's definitely not gay, he has a girlfriend.

Guys should he mention that he has a girlfriend?? maybe that might bring this whole discussion to a halt?

[Cpt. Rishwat]

What I would suggest is that if your friend wants to live the western lifestyle then he needs to accept western responsibilities that go with it. While he's living with his parents (probably rent free, with all his cooking and cleaning provided for free) he's not in a position to dictate anything. That's made worse by the fact that his education has been paid for by his uncle.

Non-Pakistani Canadians don't necessarily have these luxuries and have to find other ways to pay their way in life. In the UK, once you are at University you are expected to learn to provide for yourself - unless you are desi in which case you probably run home to Mummy to get your clothes washed.

Basically, until your friend is in a position to support himself he's going to find himself under pressure until he does something about it.

[Savak]

Not exactly in the same position as your friend but I can somewhat understand where he is coming from. Maybe he is not comfortable with the idea/thought of an arranged marriage as oppossed to the concept of marriage itself. Or ofcourse he wants to do it 4-5 years later as oppossed to now.

Everyone knows that marriage changes everything. You will no longer have the same luxuries, freedoms you used to have earlier, you will have added responsibilities, you will have to put up with another persons personality/whims and if there is no perfect match, there is no escape because most of the people will just laugh, smirk, smile and then tell you "deal with it". Ofcourse last but not least forget about privacy and alone time. This is what I have seen most "nice guys" go through once they get married.

Anyways there is nothing wrong with your friends plans of experiencing life more, getting to know himself more. But nothing in life goes to plan, no one can predict who you will see tomorrow, who you will fall for and whether in one split second your desire to remain single gets replaced with "I wanna get married to her asap before its too late". Speaking from a real painful experience which everyone knows about.

Wishing your friend all the best.

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[Javelin]

As one who did not get married until 29, I would like to suggest a very simple and straightforward way for him to convince his parents to hold on for a bit.

Tell them, as I told my parents, that he needs to find a job, focus on establishing a career, learn to become independent and self-sustaining as opposed to being dependent upon parents, before embarking upon the responsibilities of getting married and starting a family.

Tell them that, when the right times comes and he feels he's ready, he will let them know and discuss with them as to what they have in mind, what are their desires and preferences, and that he will not suddenly confront them, totally out of the blue, by telling them that he's found a girl that he wishes to marry and it's nothing to do with them.

I'm sure that his parents will understand, will realise that their son is talking sence and stop pressurising him. (Incidentally, they may be pressurising him because they are under pressure themselves, from family or close friends, who have an eligible daughter, and see your cousin as a 'catch' )

[Javelin]

Guys should he mention that he has a girlfriend?? maybe that might bring this whole discussion to a halt?Halt ? Increase the pressure more likely. See the last sentence of my previous post, ie "Incidentally, they may be pressurising him because they are under pressure themselves, from family or close friends, who have an eligible daughter, and see your cousin as a 'catch'"

For what's it's worth, he either ditches the girlfriend or tells his parents about her.
Lying to one's parents is the worst thing that a child can do. I have told my own parents, that in life, I may (possibly) be able to forgive them for almost anything, but the one thing I will never forgive them is if I ever discover that they have been lying to myself or to their mother.

[saadibaba]

Some really good advice in above posts. Your cousin is a mommy's boy from what I can gather. He lived all his life being coddled and protected and now when the parents want him to get married he is suddenly realizing that he is being pushed into it. You have to pay a price for everything. Most parents if they have carried you through till you are 24 will also expect something in return. Maybe best thing is to get engaged with the girl his parents want him to get married to. Get to know her a bit, maybe stretch it for an year or so, let this whole idea sink in. Who knows at the end of it, he might want to get married to that girl by choice after all. If not, than break the engagement, find some excuse for it, parents will be pissed for a while but they will come around eventually. Believe me, no parent will want to disown their son who they have invested so much on just because of a rishta.

[LongHorn]

" He's definitely not gay, he has a girlfriend.

Guys should he mention that he has a girlfriend?? maybe that might bring this whole discussion to a halt?

Isnt it better to marry than have a girlfriend which is Haram ?

[Savak]

Isnt it better to marry than have a girlfriend which is Haram ?


Do people not marry their gf's eventually?


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[Savak]

Some really good advice in above posts. Your cousin is a mommy's boy from what I can gather. He lived all his life being coddled and protected and now when the parents want him to get married he is suddenly realizing that he is being pushed into it. You have to pay a price for everything. Most parents if they have carried you through till you are 24 will also expect something in return. Maybe best thing is to get engaged with the girl his parents want him to get married to. Get to know her a bit, maybe stretch it for an year or so, let this whole idea sink in. Who knows at the end of it, he might want to get married to that girl by choice after all. If not, than break the engagement, find some excuse for it, parents will be pissed for a while but they will come around eventually. Believe me, no parent will want to disown their son who they have invested so much on just because of a rishta.


Based on my observation with people I know, have heard off once you officially commit to a rishta via engagement, baat pakki in most cases its very difficult to get out of it. The girls side of the family will pressurize the guy's family to get the wedding done asap. Plus some families have restrictions on letting the girl and guy meet, getting to know each other etc. Not saying the gf-bf thing is perfect either but atleast the one advantage is that the guy and the girl act natural with each other, lesser chances of things slipping through the cracks in comparison to an arranged marriage where all parties try to put up as perfect a show as possible.

Anyways this is just another controversial subjective never ending debate bw love and arrange marriage. Btw I am not sure if I entirely agree with breaking engagement thing, in our societies when engagements are broken people unfortunately talk, spread rumors, insinuate, sensationalize and to avoid this a lot of parents end up saying "deal with it". Just another example of how things in life don't go according to plan or expectation.

I see only one possible solution to the OP friends issue which is something I have been trying to do as well of late, try to become independent, self sufficient, away from the financial control of parents and about time a person deals with the entire world on his own. Not easy but atleast we can make a start.

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[saadibaba]

^ I agree with your solution, doesn't look like from the responses by the OP that it will be possible for this guy to become independent in the near future. As for breaking engagement, it's not something very diserable but in the circumstances the best option available, better than getting a divorce later on in life. Plus, the whole point of engagement is for the couple to better know each other and learn to accept each other ad life partners. This way at least the guy in question can get some pressure taken off him, in the meantime he should strive to become more independent.

[Green Leopard]

Early forced marriages didn't do any good to the Rochdale gangs. It actually brought out the worst in them.

[SIMBA]

I am actually in same situation but I am 21.

The thing is that my mum wanted to me marry my cousin but I told her: No...this was like 8,9 months ago and since she hasnt said anything. I said: I can not trust you to choose me a shirt let alone a wife.

However, the extended family always talk about my marriage when we get together..gets annoying at times :D

[Pak_Jazba]

Feels sick to see people describe having sons as an 'Investment'.

[Kwremb]

Marrying within families like to cousins is biologically not a healthy thing for the offspring I think

[violet_may]

Gain independence, move out of your house.

Look for a job away from the city/country your parents reside in, then find a place to live there. This gives you an opportunity to live on your own terms (i.e. wanting to enjoy life as said in OP, etc), and experience the world a little. The aforementioned solution should work IMO. Good luck, but be prepared to do your own chores if going down this route.

Source: Experience.

[LethalSami]

^^

the same parents who feed you and brought you up to what you're today, Now leave them when they need you to take care of them and provide for them????????

Bravo, VM, Bravo, very wise advice there :moyo

@OP, dude just go tell em the truth, tell em that you just don't wanna get married yet. END OF!!

[JibranAnsari]

Try and convince your parents and no need to walk out on them, remember they are your jannat and you can not afford to make them unhappy. Prophet Muhammad PBUH got married at 25 so it is the perfect age to get married , you can raise your kids and also can see your grandchildren grow up ;)

[Savak]

^^

the same parents who feed you and brought you up to what you're today, Now leave them when they need you to take care of them and provide for them????????

Bravo, VM, Bravo, very wise advice there :moyo

@OP, dude just go tell em the truth, tell em that you just don't wanna get married yet. END OF!!


Is it not possible to be independent, your own person and still be able to take care of them, provide for them at the same time?


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[QazzarFan]

^^

the same parents who feed you and brought you up to what you're today, Now leave them when they need you to take care of them and provide for them????????

Bravo, VM, Bravo, very wise advice there :moyo



Why can't u take care of your parents if u don't live at home? Most young professionals most likely will reside in a different city/state based on the job anyway. Unless your parents are really old and need help on a daily basis, why can't one stay away and still help them financially if needed. Young people need their own private space as well. Sometimes you need to stay away from the family for a while to rediscover yourself.


Also related to this thread title: Parents who force their children to marry will face jail time under new laws in UK (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-18356117)

[whyamir]

Thanks guys! tons of awesome advice here which I am passing on to the guy.

For the people thinking he won't be able to financially support himself in the near future, let me tell you that all he needs is a job ATM as he just graduated with an engineering degree so there is good money to be made there. And you might be right, telling the rents about his girlfriend might be a dumb move. Plus, it's the whole ordeal with not knowing the girl (she's one of my uncle's good friend's daughter as far as i know) that worries him as well; my cousin and her have never met, don't know each other, and it's not like they can hang-out and get to know each other as he lives in the states while she's in pakistan. Besides, he won't even have the time to go to pakistan now if he gets the job at one of the places he interviewed at because he'll be working full-time.

Another question: how long do you think he can go with just being engaged? one year? two years? His parents want him to get married asap but maybe he can workout a deal here with getting engaged for a while and then marrying her later on, could that work? Is there like a certain time frame people usually get married after being engaged?

And Javelin, thanks man that is some solid advice, I'm gonna tell him to go with what you said because I think it might just work and just hope for the best.

[violet_may]

Good speech there LS, I almost shed a tear.

@OP: Yo so he's an engineering graduate? That's even better, they always have to relocate because of the nature of their job. Yeah, advice is still the same at this end. Financial independence is key for anyone I say...

It's up to him though, but moving out due to work is a good way to gain some independence.

[baalti]

agar larki pasand hai to kar lei mere bhai, it takes 2-3 years easy for the wife to get here... if he dont like the girl then say upfront, yes i wana marry but not to her, once there is a girl of his choice/he likes or whatever, get engaged, then do nikah after another year (should be 26 by then) and then take a lil time to compile data/info forms etc for sponsorship case, and apply, by the time she comes to where he is, he will be 28 easy... sounds good? if not play the gay card, and you can really help him out there :ajmal

[Looney]

Gain independence, move out of your house.

Look for a job away from the city/country your parents reside in, then find a place to live there. This gives you an opportunity to live on your own terms (i.e. wanting to enjoy life as said in OP, etc), and experience the world a little. The aforementioned solution should work IMO. Good luck, but be prepared to do your own chores if going down this route.

Source: Experience.

We are talking about Pakistani parents . They will not stop bothering you about it even if you move to another country .

OP , ask your cousin to tell his parents that he is gay . :razzaq

[Watsupdoc]

We are talking about Pakistani parents . They will not stop bothering you about it even if you move to another country .

OP , ask your cousin to tell his parents that he is gay . :razzaq

:))) I'm sorry but that would never work :))

[kingusama92]

OP , ask your cousin to tell his parents that he is gay . :razzaq

:))

The ratio between username and suggestion has never been higher on PP.

[Watsupdoc]

:))

The ratio between username and suggestion has never been higher on PP.

:))) I see what you did there :ibutt

[whyamir]

As one who did not get married until 29, I would like to suggest a very simple and straightforward way for him to convince his parents to hold on for a bit.

Tell them, as I told my parents, that he needs to find a job, focus on establishing a career, learn to become independent and self-sustaining as opposed to being dependent upon parents, before embarking upon the responsibilities of getting married and starting a family.

Tell them that, when the right times comes and he feels he's ready, he will let them know and discuss with them as to what they have in mind, what are their desires and preferences, and that he will not suddenly confront them, totally out of the blue, by telling them that he's found a girl that he wishes to marry and it's nothing to do with them.

I'm sure that his parents will understand, will realise that their son is talking sence and stop pressurising him. (Incidentally, they may be pressurising him because they are under pressure themselves, from family or close friends, who have an eligible daughter, and see your cousin as a 'catch' )

Hey guys, quick update: my cousin's will be going with Javelin's advice because it seems the most reasonable and it just might work. He's gonna have "the talk" soon and I'll update you guys on how it goes :razzaq

[thelandofthebravepeople]

I am actually in same situation but I am 21.

The thing is that my mum wanted to me marry my cousin but I told her: No...this was like 8,9 months ago and since she hasnt said anything. I said: I can not trust you to choose me a shirt let alone a wife.

However, the extended family always talk about my marriage when we get together..gets annoying at times :D

Same story here. My mom wanted me to accept one of my cousin sister as my wife when I was like 18 or something. I said hell NO. The one she was talking about got married and has two children today. One left. My mom occasionally says something here and there but I always say NO. Also I have just started uni and by the time I finish I will be 26-27 so still a lot of time. My father has never said anything about marriage, maybe it will come later.

Also I hate when the extended family brings it up. Some of them also almost trying to force but I say no. I am 22 but I am not mentally ready for marriage and nor I can fed my wife.

[chacha kashmiri]

Count his blessings that that's the biggest problem in his life

[faizanutd]

Why are Pakistani parents so obsessed with marriage ? A guy should marry according to his own preferences after taking advice from his parents. But the final decision should be his own.

[SIMBA]

Same story here. My mom wanted me to accept one of my cousin sister as my wife when I was like 18 or something. I said hell NO. The one she was talking about got married and has two children today. One left. My mom occasionally says something here and there but I always say NO. Also I have just started uni and by the time I finish I will be 26-27 so still a lot of time. My father has never said anything about marriage, maybe it will come later.

Also I hate when the extended family brings it up. Some of them also almost trying to force but I say no. I am 22 but I am not mentally ready for marriage and nor I can fed my wife.

Yer - extended fam is a pain in the back side - with snide comments.

I am in the exact same position as you - in actual fact I remember my mum wanting me to marry another cousin when i was 18 and she: 19, 20....Parents sometimes dont think...come up with extravagant, crazy ideas which would never work.

[LethalSami]

Hey guys, quick update: my cousin's will be going with Javelin's advice because it seems the most reasonable and it just might work. He's gonna have "the talk" soon and I'll update you guys on how it goes :razzaq


now all u have to do is, video tape that PHAINTA that he receives after that conversation :imran

[Nishaa]

Yer - extended fam is a pain in the back side - with snide comments.

I am in the exact same position as you - in actual fact I remember my mum wanting me to marry another cousin when i was 18 and she: 19, 20....Parents sometimes dont think...come up with extravagant, crazy ideas which would never work.

Even in this day and age parents think like that!! shouldn't the guy first get a job at least be financially secure!.
What i think is most parents are afraid that if the guy/boy stay unmarried for a while then they might some radical ideas like get a GF someone not from their religion/caste etc etc ... Hence.
The poster's cousin/friend should say that pehle STEADY JOB HIGHER STUDIES phir shaadi.

[SIMBA]

Even in this day and age parents think like that!! shouldn't the guy first get a job at least be financially secure!.
What i think is most parents are afraid that if the guy/boy stay unmarried for a while then they might some radical ideas like get a GF someone not from their religion/caste etc etc ... Hence.
The poster's cousin/friend should say that pehle STEADY JOB HIGHER STUDIES phir shaadi.

I agree with you - they want to keep the son within the family by marrying him off to a cousin.

This has many advantages for the parents.

Firstly, their niece, relative or whoever will more likely look after them etc.

Secondly, they release the pressure of extended family of marrying a foreign guy (son) to their pakistani, indian daughter so their daughter can move over.

[BD-fan]

Why would or does he hesitate in getting married?
Does he want to have some "fun" before marriage? would he like to party, hang out with girls, may be do sin and indulge in all other "fun" things? Then ask him to be brave enough to tell it his parents that THIS is what he wants to do and hence his marriage should be delayed. Simple.
Can I nominate this as post of the week? Mods please consider. This is a deep post and requires mandatory reading of three times for those who are not married yet!!!!

By the way, for OP, you can say these things to your parents freely. The most they could do is scold you. That is about it.

[Savak]

What right do others have to decide whether another person should get married or not? Who are we to decide whether X,Y,Z should get married or not? Why can't we just mind our own business and let people make their own decisions/mistakes?

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