Should a girl's parents, siblings intervene in her married life?


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  1. #1
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    Should a girl's parents, siblings intervene in her married life?

    My Baby sister immigrated to Canada in the beginning of 2018 after graduating from one of the top medical schools in Pakistan. My parents wanted her to get married afterwards as she turned 25 and I backed my parents decision.

    To my parents delight they found a Pakistani American doctor in his early 30's ie my age via a referral from their professional circles of friends. The guy immediately managed to strike a very amazing impression on everyone in our family.

    The guys mother had been battling terminal breast cancer for the last 15 years and her story was even more remarkable because the doctors only gave her 6 months to live and she has been a heroic survivor. My parents were super impressed to discover that the guy being the eldest of his 4 siblings in his family took on the responsibility of his mothers care himself compared to the younger siblings. The guys father has set backs during the time period as he got laid off from his engineering job and was never able to find employment in his field again. Eventually he had to make a decision and he decided to operate a home based business. But bottom line the father's financial situation was precarious and he was not able to support his kids education and was battling really hard to focus on his business and his wife's illness and this is where the eldest son had to step up. The father himself developed a stroke as a result of which the right side of his body is weaker compared to the left side.

    My parents especially my mom felt that given how responsibly and lovingly the son took care of his ailing mother especially was a very good sign and that he would be equally caring and compassionate towards my sister.

    The other plus point for my parents naturally was that he was a doctor who had trained to become an interventionist cardiologist and given that my sister herself was a Pakistani Doctor who had plans to study for her USMLE and later do a Masters in Public Health and a PhD this would again be a very good fit as doctors should ideally marry doctors as they both understand each others fields and the academic and professional pressures involved best. The guy was a very gifted individual and had successfully achieved scholarships and very high grades another thing my parents were impressed with.

    The guy being a 5 times namazi who never missed a single prayer was a big plus for my mom.

    Apparently the guy had been having a tough time getting rishtas because his mothers illness became a source of concern for the girls family members. In fact the guy has a younger sister and even she was engaged once and the engagement was called off the moment they found out about the girls mothers suffering from breast cancer and they were upset at not having being told before hand.

    My sister and the guy had met in the beginning of 2018 and have literally spoken every single day since they met on social media, whatsapp and phone. He even once flew down to Canada to meet her and she flew down to the US to meet him. Eventually my parents asked my sister if she was happy and comfortable with the guy and she said yes and so did the guy. Me and my elder brother got to meet the guy in the US later on as a formality and we found the guy to be socially very confident, opinionated and an excellent conversationalist and personally we all as a family felt this was an excellent match given that my sister herself was a super talkative social personality and therefore it was imperative that she also found a guy who matched her in that regard

    We finally made the engagement public with our immediate family members who met the guy during a family dinner and they were super impressed with him and his ability to be charming, to create an impression, to easily talk playfully with kids and to have a mature engaging conversation with adults

    They got nikaofied by the end of the year and they kept talking each and every day on the phone for 3-4 hours almost daily. He even flew down once to Canada for 3-4 days during which my sister went to live with him as she was his wife now.

    My baby sister used to be very close to me and would never hide anything from me and would always confide in me whenever she was upset or depressed about something. However ever since her fiancé and her husband came to her life, her attitude and opinion changed for the worst and I almost felt like she felt I was not as mature, personally, professionally as well settled as I should be and in many ways she stopped confiding with me and didn't want anything much to do with me as her entire world was her fiancé and her husband now. I accepted it as a gradual inevitability of life that everyone goes through and that everyone has the right to move on in their lives and that siblings should give each other their spaces.

    The marriage ceremonies finally took place in the Summer this year and during this whole time all of us felt this was an excellent union where both the couples personality wise, education and field wise very an excellent combination for each other.

    However, since then so many things have come to light which have petrified me that things are not rosy, milk and honey as people expect it to be.

    It's almost like as if the guy has completely dropped his guard down now that he has successfully managed to marry my sister and that he doesn't have to worry about losing her.

    My sister naturally speaks to only my mom and dad on whatsapp but she doesn't seem me mature enough to talk too about these things.

    My first major concern about the guy and his family occurred during the Valima when the guys brother in his speech made comments that my sister should be very grateful that she did not have to work as hard as her husband, struggle and battle through tough times as her husband did during his journey to become a doctor. That speech really got me very very upset and was the first real warning sign to me about this Pakistani American family thinking they were far superior compared to Pakistanis born and raised in Pakistan. My parents, immediate and extended family members were very upset with the speech especially with the sight that my sisters husband was smiling, smirking the whole time without any feelings of offence over his brothers comments towards my sister. My parents decided to let the matter go and not make a big deal out of it in the largest interests of piece and harmony

    Now I am not out here to claim my baby sister is perfect or flawless. She was born and raised in Pakistan where we enjoyed the benefit, privilege of having a nice comfortable lifestyle of servants and never had to worry about money problems. But she has battled very hard through her own problems. She was diagnosed with Dyslexia and she was having problems in keeping her numbers decent in high school because she was not naturally as gifted and bright compared to other normal bright students. But she still took on the challenge of being the only child to pursue medicine which is always a challenge for even normally bright students, battled through many resits, re examinations, sleepless nights, kept dusting herself off the floor and eventually graduated to be a doctor from the top medical school in Pakistan

    It's been 3 months now since the marriage took place and a lot of troubling things keep coming to light. Apparently the guy is not exactly the loving compassionate guy that he portrayed himself to be in front of us and our family. In fact what I am learning is that he cares more about the well-being of his family ie parents, even siblings even if it comes at the expense of my sisters emotional well being.

    The guy has been non stop criticizing my sister day in day out about her imperfections on every single thing that he could find and I am going to quote some of the things he has been saying to my sister

    "Your cooking sucks, what the hell did you do all these years living in your parents home"

    "Did you iron your father's shirts like this"

    "I want you to do all the dishes, don't make my parents do them"

    "Why do I always see my parents do the dishes", the guy leaves for work early in the morning ie 7 and comes home late at night by 9-10 and just because he sees his dad or mom clean a few dishes, he assumes that my sister didn't do anything at all in the kitchen

    "This is what you signed up for, suck it up, this is your life now" When my sister was upset about missing her parents and family"

    "It's a pity that your father's excellent world wide reputation, professional qualifications, achievements does not reflect on any of his kids"

    "I worked hard and managed to get myself a scholarship of $500,000 and some student loans which I paid off myself, you have been given everything on a platter by daddy"

    "I better not here him complain about you, everyone is being so nice, understanding and accepting towards you but you are the one who is being difficult and impossible". This was after my sister had to use the younger brothers computer to send a few emails because the WiFi was not working in her room and she needed to send it urgently and the younger brother was in the washroom and couldn't be approached for permission at the time. He got upset and complained to everyone including his elder brother

    Now I am not trying to say here that my baby sister is perfect or doesn't have flaws like we all do, but I know for a fact that she is trying her level best to adjust and adapt to married life. She now wakes up in the morning at 6 to make sure her husband has his breakfast before he leaves for work and packs lunch for him. She helps his mother with cooking, kitchen and house work as much as possible. She makes sure when he comes home at night he has dinner immediately

    The guy hounds her over spending with a fine tooth comb, if she buys a cup of coffee, women cosmetics or even groceries he keeps mentally torturing her with comments that you are financially reckless and irresponsible even though he himself has no qualms on spending as much as he wants on himself, his luxury items, his countless lunches and dinners outside. My sister came to Toronto for a week last month and on the night of her departure he again sent her a very demeaning whatsapp message regarding her spending habits and I could over hear my sister crying like mad next to my mom "Mom, how much can I change, compromise and take? He only married me for my face, he should have married someone more suitable for him, I can't take it anymore"

    My parents especially my mom are off the view point that in order for any marriage to be successful, it is the girl who has to make more sacrifices than the guy and that it is her duty to suck it up and deal with it especially when there are kids involved. My mom also have the viewpoint that my sister has been raised with a lot of love, pampering and that she needs to toughen up and accept the realities of life in her susral and married life.

    They also think that in order for her to really win the respect of her new family, her husband, it is imperative for her to clear her USMLE exam, find a good residency and become an American doctor so that she has an income of her own. In fact my dad is also encouraging my sister to aim big by looking to do a masters in public health program and then a PhD so that she can have expanded career options. My dad knowing full well that her husband cannot afford the tuition amount has already set aside the money for her to fund her education.

    My dad has also set up an account for them and wishes to help my sister and her husband a down payment for their first house. Which girls father is willing to provide such gifts for his son in law especially it is the son in law, his family who is responsible for taking care of his wife and her needs

    Today after a long long time, my baby sister reached out to me after almost 2 years as the elder brother she had always been close to on Whatsapp and it literally felt like she was crying in front of me. She was like she was sick and tired of the emotional abuse from her husband, his demanding nature, his expectations of perfectionism, the fact he was always treating her as a servant. That she was now in a family where you either compete or get left behind, no sympathy for issues. His demands for high quality fresh food cooked for him everyday, his unsympathetic attitude towards her studies, his comments that she is not what he expected and her frustrations with mom, dad that she tells them everything but they keep ignoring her by telling her to suck it up, deal with it, compromise, study for her exams and she in her frustration commented that her own parents had zero idea about how difficult her life was balancing married life, domestic duties and then studies because they benefitted massively from having servants in Pakistan

    I am deeply troubled and upset right now. I know my parents are not going to do anything. Ideally speaking I feel like going to the US right now and delivering the most powerful Mike Tyson right hand as possible on the guys jaw or going up to the guy John Rambo style, grabbing him by the throat and threatening to rip his insides out if he doesn't mend his ways and change his attitude, behavior towards my sister. But alas, I know this is real life and not a movie. I think the guy is now talking full advantage of the fact that divorce for Pakistani women and girls is a big no and they become heavily socially stigmatized because of which they suck it up and as a result of which they have nothing to fear anymore.

    Anyways the reason for me creating this thread is because I need some feedback from experienced people here who have dealt with these things when their sisters have gotten married into a new family?

    Am I over thinking this? Is stuff like this natural in a newly wed couples early married life? Do the girls parents and her siblings have the right to forcefully intervene to correct unacceptable behaviour and attitude in the guy? Is there some way we can put the fear of God and consequences in the guy

    I can't stand my sister being miserable like this any longer. I feel like aggressively talking to my parents now about this issue and that we need to do something about this to resolve these problems otherwise it's not going to get better on its own

    But before I discuss this with them, I thought I would ask everyone over here

  2. #2
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    Well we have one side of the story.

    One sided stories can often be misleading.

    In the other thread with that newly married poster, some posters were telling the guy to basically get out of that relationship. Some people were telling him to talk to the girl and explain his feelings.

    But if it is your own sister, it is hard to give advice for divorce straight away isn't it?

    But if this is all true, rather than getting involved directly, should be giving advice to your sister on how to handle the situation.

    Getting more people involved might anger the husband, as he will think she betrayed his trust by sharing intimate details about their marriage / problems to other people. This will now become the debate, rather than the actual problems.

    Maybe try coaching her in conflict resolution and how to approach him to explain her feelings.

    Maybe she can convince him to get some sort of couples therapy. But from the story, he seems really petty and insecure so he probably wont go for that.

    Also, about her being Pakistani and divorce is stigmatized. You are right, but you may also know that in the West divorce laws favour the women. So guys are afraid of divorce too. If despite your sister's best tries, things go down this route, make sure you advise her to get a good divorce lawyer.

    Its a tough situation for sure, I truly wish your sister all the best.

  3. #3
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    Also forgot to mention,

    this normally doesn't happen in early married life unless two people are entirely incompatible.

    Usually early married life is the honeymoon period, the actual frustrations and problems after the honeymoon period ends.

    So unless they are able to talk this out, it will go from bad to worse in my opinion, this isn't from personal experience though, just other people's relationships I have observed.

  4. #4
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    The guy sounds like a slightly less arrogant version of you.

    Don't really see what the problem is. Your sister is probably like all those women you're always belittling as being vain and material.

    You should call your brother in law up and tell him to ditch her and stop putting up with her nonsense.
    Last edited by Halaribo; 6th October 2019 at 11:45.

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Halaribo View Post
    The guy sounds like a slightly less arrogant version of you.

    Don't really see what the problem is. Your sister is probably like all those women you're always belittling as being vain and material.

    You should call your brother in law up and tell him to ditch her and stop putting up with her nonsense.
    Care to elaborate on your post in relation to the OP?

  6. #6
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    Brother, do something before it’s too late. I know it sounds bad but you know just as well as I do how horribly this might end up.

    The time to take action is now.

  7. #7
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    Family intervention often just makes things worse as they are not 100% aware about the situation, as much as they like to think they are. I have a live example from my family where a troubled relationship between husband-wife ended up in a divorce because the girl's family heard one side and the boy's family heard the other side. End result - emotional drama created by both parties.

    Divorce is not the end of the world, even in Pakistan. The cities are not as backward as you're making out to be. Social circle (relatives), yes - but again, that is subjective.

    If the husband and wife are mature enough to get married, then must be mature enough to sort out the differences or get separated if it doesn't work out. It is of course easier said than done, but chances of things getting better because a family member intervenes are zero.

    You can see it right there in the OP - because the boy sees a parent do a chore, hundreds of assumptions and miscommunications kick in. These things are very common in joint family circles.

  8. #8
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    Dude why are you so obsessed with marriage?




    Sua cuique voluptas.

  9. #9
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    Your sister married you - kind of you. How would you like to handle by woman? Perhaps that is solution. Advise her to be mature and be patient. If this guy is arrogant, it won’t take that long for this guy to be brought down the earth. But YOU STAY OUT OF IT.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by mgtow View Post
    Your sister married you - kind of you. How would you like to handle by woman? Perhaps that is solution. Advise her to be mature and be patient. If this guy is arrogant, it won’t take that long for this guy to be brought down the earth. But YOU STAY OUT OF IT.
    First of all. How can you say she married me, I am never rude to women and girls.

    She is already being advised by the parents to be patient.

    I am just trying to get a sense here from people's experiences as to whether we should intervene or let them deal with their issues

  11. #11
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    I think there must be meeting/discussion between your parents and elders and theirs to decide whether your sister wants to stay him or not.
    Last edited by andy0204; 6th October 2019 at 17:10.

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by Halaribo View Post
    The guy sounds like a slightly less arrogant version of you.

    Don't really see what the problem is. Your sister is probably like all those women you're always belittling as being vain and material.

    You should call your brother in law up and tell him to ditch her and stop putting up with her nonsense.
    What a disappointing reply.

    Even if OP is "arrogant" and "belittles women"; the sister has nothing to do with OP's point of view. Did you even read the OP?

    That said, in my opinion it is between husband and wife. No one should intervene, let them sort it out by themselves.

  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by WhenSultansBowled View Post
    What a disappointing reply.

    Even if OP is "arrogant" and "belittles women"; the sister has nothing to do with OP's point of view. Did you even read the OP?

    That said, in my opinion it is between husband and wife. No one should intervene, let them sort it out by themselves.
    Disappointing reply? It's a disappointing thread.

    Someone's sister opens up about her troubles, and the brother goes and lays her life bare on some public forum, for strangers to comment.

    In context of the thread, his sister has everything to do with his point of view. Why is his sister exempt from OPs POV regarding women? Go read his posts about what a wife should be and the expectations he has of women, OP doesn't need advice, he's got it all marked down. He's happy to advise other people to go divorce their wives.

    No difference here.

    The disappointing replies are those that get involved in other peoples lives like they have some legitimate stake in it, when nobody has one clue whether what is being said is the truth or not. Or the effects of what they might say.

    Don't get me wrong, you're right. The sister has nothing to do with my opinion of the OP.

    I wonder what she'd think if she saw this?

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Savak View Post
    Care to elaborate on your post in relation to the OP?
    No, not really.

    Your sister confides in you and this is what you do. Open her story up to the public for suggestions on how you should be a brother to your sister.

    Enough said.

  15. #15
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    No individual should interfere in a couple's marriage life unless asked by the couple. Privacy should always be respected.


    Bangladeshi Man

  16. #16
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    don't mean to be rude, but there is a lot of naivety on your family's part here. hes a qualified and highly successful (by the sounds of it) american medical professional, do u honestly think he had issues finding girls? he wanted a girl from back home to be an obedient house wife / carer to his family parents and thats what from his pov he doesn't see the issue.

    the stigma of divorce is all in everyone's head, eventually people don't even care, especially if she intends to be financially independent anyway. the longer she spends in a mentally abusive relationship the more long term scarring she will have, and find it difficult to trust in relationships. if i was her bro id tell her nothing in the world is worth being unhappy for everyday and whatever she chooses to do ill support her a hundred percent.

  17. #17
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    The guy has been non stop criticizing my sister day in day out about her imperfections on every single thing that he could find and I am going to quote some of the things he has been saying to my sister

    "Your cooking sucks, what the hell did you do all these years living in your parents home"

    "Did you iron your father's shirts like this"

    "I want you to do all the dishes, don't make my parents do them"

    "Why do I always see my parents do the dishes", the guy leaves for work early in the morning ie 7 and comes home late at night by 9-10 and just because he sees his dad or mom clean a few dishes, he assumes that my sister didn't do anything at all in the kitchen

    "This is what you signed up for, suck it up, this is your life now" When my sister was upset about missing her parents and family"

    "It's a pity that your father's excellent world wide reputation, professional qualifications, achievements does not reflect on any of his kids"

    "I worked hard and managed to get myself a scholarship of $500,000 and some student loans which I paid off myself, you have been given everything on a platter by daddy"

    "I better not here him complain about you, everyone is being so nice, understanding and accepting towards you but you are the one who is being difficult and impossible". This was after my sister had to use the younger brothers computer to send a few emails because the WiFi was not working in her room and she needed to send it urgently and the younger brother was in the washroom and couldn't be approached for permission at the time. He got upset and complained to everyone including his elder brother
    He's a misogynist.

  18. #18
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    I suggest your sister get a divorce before they have children. People are too obsessed with "charm" and "social skills" and overlook the redflags.

  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by ElRaja View Post
    don't mean to be rude, but there is a lot of naivety on your family's part here. hes a qualified and highly successful (by the sounds of it) american medical professional, do u honestly think he had issues finding girls? he wanted a girl from back home to be an obedient house wife / carer to his family parents and thats what from his pov he doesn't see the issue.

    the stigma of divorce is all in everyone's head, eventually people don't even care, especially if she intends to be financially independent anyway. the longer she spends in a mentally abusive relationship the more long term scarring she will have, and find it difficult to trust in relationships. if i was her bro id tell her nothing in the world is worth being unhappy for everyday and whatever she chooses to do ill support her a hundred percent.
    This.

    Sorry @Savak it seems he has played your family. A man who works such long hours but kept on telling you he looks after his mum, should have set off alarm bells but you guys didn't get it.

    Simple, if his attitude continues and all he wants is for your sister to look after his mum, tell her to divorce him and find a husband not a master.


    Lions don't lose sleep over the opinions of Sheep

  20. #20
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    Agree with some of the comments. If OP was in the same financial standing as the husband in this case he would have had the same attitude. He's the who refers to women as 'catches' and wonders why they have thoughts, opinions and attitudes if they are simple looking as per his standards.

    Anyways. This isnt about you and your sister shouldnt have to suffer because of your own misogynistic thought process.

    Get your sister to take a stand early on. If she has to leave the husband's home and come back to live with parents for a while do that. This behavior needs to be nipped in the bud early on and the guy needs to be made to get his senses in order. If this simmers on for a year there is no other recovery but divorce.

    Your sister is educated herself and also comes from a well off family based in North America. She has no restrictions or obligations for which she has to stay there and should be brave to take tough decisions right now to save herself a lifetime of hurt.

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    I think divorce is justified here. The guy doesn't seem like he is willing to change. He seems stubborn and delusional.


    Bangladeshi Man

  22. #22
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    The guy seems like a douche to be fair. 5 times namazi and this level of arrogance and disregard?

  23. #23
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    The guy has narcissism complex and is verbally abusive.

    As for being a namazi (to DoosraTeessra), I have met people who pray tahajjud on top of 5 waqts and are verbally abusive

    What you/your sister has to be careful of are "well-wishers/intermediaries" who may be the guys own family or other people who will pretend to be neutral, but will end up saying (after a family discussion):

    1) your sister has to stop making mistakes if she does not want to be criticized
    2) islam teaches sabr and your sister is going against islam if she is not patient towards bad behavior

    I think you guys are veeery lucky no kids are involved.

  24. #24
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    Anyways, my hands are tied. I have told her that she has to be vocal about this to my parents when she arrives in October for my dad's birthday.

    If my parents are happy with how things are, if my sister is not taking a definitive stance in terms of whether she wants to be with the guy or not ie if she praises him, acts all lovingly about him one minute and then bitches about him and how unkind he is too her emotionally another minute, then there are no grounds for me to interfere

  25. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by Savak View Post
    First of all. How can you say she married me, I am never rude to women and girls.

    She is already being advised by the parents to be patient.

    I am just trying to get a sense here from people's experiences as to whether we should intervene or let them deal with their issues
    Your views toward women are narrow minded and your sister married exactly kind of version. If anything, you are the best person in regards to how you would like to be handled as in play to your ego and perhaps that is solution for your sister. At the end, ALLAH knows best.

    Gone are the days where patience and shouldering responsibility. Everybody want divorce. And divorce is in increase specially since today generation are prepared for delusion rather than reality where compromise is the must.

  26. #26
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    This is why you should have got a guy from a similar financial background.

    This guy comes from a mediocre financial background and his father is a failure. Thats why he thinks he has achieved the world and thinks your sister is mediocre.

    Also such families tend to believe that their ward is the only achiever and have a superiority complex. They view people of financially well off families with certain contempt as they think that these people got priviledges easily while they had to fight for it.

    It sometimes helps to show them their place.

  27. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by cricketjoshila View Post
    This is why you should have got a guy from a similar financial background.

    This guy comes from a mediocre financial background and his father is a failure. Thats why he thinks he has achieved the world and thinks your sister is mediocre.

    Also such families tend to believe that their ward is the only achiever and have a superiority complex. They view people of financially well off families with certain contempt as they think that these people got priviledges easily while they had to fight for it.

    It sometimes helps to show them their place.
    Tbh money has no bearing on character, you either have it or you don't. I am personally a big fan of live in relationships before marriage

  28. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by mgtow View Post
    Your views toward women are narrow minded and your sister married exactly kind of version. If anything, you are the best person in regards to how you would like to be handled as in play to your ego and perhaps that is solution for your sister. At the end, ALLAH knows best.

    Gone are the days where patience and shouldering responsibility. Everybody want divorce. And divorce is in increase specially since today generation are prepared for delusion rather than reality where compromise is the must.
    It is possible to desire a beautiful good looking educated trophy wife who has good home making abilities and not treat her like crap and a servant

  29. #29
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    IF all things are equal (and you need to be clear on that) and it is as your sis tells you ( also be clear in bits she isn't telling you), she needs to get vocal with her husband and tell him it is not on .
    She can confide in you about how it develops when she has these convos and if things don't improve she can file for divorce.


    If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got #improve

  30. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by Savak View Post
    Tbh money has no bearing on character, you either have it or you don't. I am personally a big fan of live in relationships before marriage
    You are living in a fools paradise if you think money has no bearing on character. Its quiet evident here.

  31. #31
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    If her husband is Jack Torrance then yes, otherwise they should give a couple their space and respect privacy


    Ah, so this is what it feels like

  32. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by cricketjoshila View Post
    This is why you should have got a guy from a similar financial background.

    This guy comes from a mediocre financial background and his father is a failure. Thats why he thinks he has achieved the world and thinks your sister is mediocre.

    Also such families tend to believe that their ward is the only achiever and have a superiority complex. They view people of financially well off families with certain contempt as they think that these people got priviledges easily while they had to fight for it.

    It sometimes helps to show them their place.
    Well barring some anomalies, that tends to be true especially among the children; they become very spoilt and take their parents safety net for granted, many folk from that background have an superior complex as a result of the financial position they didn't have to work for. And naturally these people will look at those who have less with contempt as they are not able to relate in any way or appreciate that grind; so if there is a situation where one is able to overcome their lack of fortune, I see a more likely scenario of them being very humble for it but a less frequent outcome would be an extreme reaction to that success as it's not an experience which has been common during their lives.


    Ah, so this is what it feels like

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    Only if she asks for assistance otherwise not.


    PP's own self proclaimed sharpshooter and defender of Islam and Pakistan.

  34. #34
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    Quote Originally Posted by cricketjoshila View Post
    You are living in a fools paradise if you think money has no bearing on character. Its quiet evident here.
    I am sure there are examples of guys with less well endowed backgrounds who don't treat their spouses like crap.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Savak View Post
    I am sure there are examples of guys with less well endowed backgrounds who don't treat their spouses like crap.
    True but in your family's case you guys preferred money and class over character and values. That's why I am not a fan of the whole arranged marriage system since it follows a very superficial rubric.

  36. #36
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    Quote Originally Posted by shaz619 View Post
    Well barring some anomalies, that tends to be true especially among the children; they become very spoilt and take their parents safety net for granted, many folk from that background have an superior complex as a result of the financial position they didn't have to work for. And naturally these people will look at those who have less with contempt as they are not able to relate in any way or appreciate that grind; so if there is a situation where one is able to overcome their lack of fortune, I see a more likely scenario of them being very humble for it but a less frequent outcome would be an extreme reaction to that success as it's not an experience which has been common during their lives.
    This is not the situation here. My family ie my sisters family position is far superior to them, yet it is her husband who raised the issue of the success of your parents not reflecting on you or your brothers and he has the gall to say this when my dad is the one who is going to fund her masters program, their downpayment for a house in the near future even though being the husband it is actually his and his families responsibility to take care of my sister from this point onwards

    Some people need to be reminded off their place. Just because this guy is a Pakistani American doctor and I am an accountant he starts boasting about how superior he is even though I have never said anything to him

  37. #37
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pakistanian View Post
    True but in your family's case you guys preferred money and class over character and values. That's why I am not a fan of the whole arranged marriage system since it follows a very superficial rubric.
    Lol, money was not the factor. It were things like he is a doctor which works well for my sisters medical ambitions, his 5 times namazi habits, him taking care of his parents and going out of his way for them. My parents assumed that the guy would have awesome character and values, but we are learning the hard way now

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    Quote Originally Posted by Savak View Post
    Some people need to be reminded off their place. Just because this guy is a Pakistani American doctor and I am an accountant he starts boasting about how superior he is even though I have never said anything to him
    Wow!

    This is not good. He is being arrogant here. If he prays 5 times, he shouldn't be this arrogant.

    If your descriptions are correct, he is a rotten individual and it is better for your sister to get a divorce.


    Bangladeshi Man

  39. #39
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    Looks like my baby sister has finally had enough and really erupted on my parents. I too couldn't hold back and against my mother's wishes I told my dad about the guys comments to my sister.

    My mother was livid and she was like I should shut up and mind my own business, my dad on the other hand fired back and told her I have given my daughter away but I have not thrown her away, if she is indeed unhappy and cannot take it anymore then I will not for a second hesitate to get her out of the marriage.

    I think he is now going to really put the guy in his place in a private one to one meeting and threaten him that if he does not change or improve his behaviour, he better be ready for some pretty dire consequences legally through the court system where he will be bound to give her half of whatever he has and some professional consequences as well given my dad's contacts in the medical community.

    After a long long time I have been proud of my dad come out of his shell and do what's right

  40. #40
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    Quote Originally Posted by ElRaja View Post
    don't mean to be rude, but there is a lot of naivety on your family's part here. hes a qualified and highly successful (by the sounds of it) american medical professional, do u honestly think he had issues finding girls? he wanted a girl from back home to be an obedient house wife / carer to his family parents and thats what from his pov he doesn't see the issue.

    the stigma of divorce is all in everyone's head, eventually people don't even care, especially if she intends to be financially independent anyway. the longer she spends in a mentally abusive relationship the more long term scarring she will have, and find it difficult to trust in relationships. if i was her bro id tell her nothing in the world is worth being unhappy for everyday and whatever she chooses to do ill support her a hundred percent.
    Based on our background checks, his parents had been looking for a while and the rishtas were just not good. His mothers illness was a major problem due to which many families refused to proceed. These are all things his parents opened up about to my parents and relatives.

  41. #41
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    Quote Originally Posted by Savak View Post
    Based on our background checks, his parents had been looking for a while and the rishtas were just not good. His mothers illness was a major problem due to which many families refused to proceed. These are all things his parents opened up about to my parents and relatives.
    Cause they were looking for a servant/caregiver/housewife and American raised Pakistani girls wouldn't put up with that, that's the only reason the other families refused to proceed.

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    You should let her handle it but she should know that she has your support no matter what she decides. In our society women sometimes live horrible lives as they cant get out of bad marriages as their parents/family don't support them.


    "Too often we... enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought"-JFK

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    Quote Originally Posted by Savak View Post
    It is possible to desire a beautiful good looking educated trophy wife who has good home making abilities and not treat her like crap and a servant
    Those who want trophy wives never have good intention since they hate progressive women.

    You can’t have trophy women and progressive women. Your brother in law wanted trophy wife and so do you. Because progressive women will not put up with dominated men.

    Personally I don’t mind progressive women but I will settle for obedient wife instead. Chalk it up as you want but given my experience, obedient wife is rare quality that doesn’t necessarily have good looks as you fantasize about. And so did your sister who would be wife of Doctor. That is dream of every women.


    Even if your sister calls off the relationship, that doctor will have no shortcomings in regards to proposals. Doctors are huge demand.

  44. #44
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    Quote Originally Posted by Savak View Post
    My Baby sister immigrated to Canada in the beginning of 2018 after graduating from one of the top medical schools in Pakistan. My parents wanted her to get married afterwards as she turned 25 and I backed my parents decision.

    To my parents delight they found a Pakistani American doctor in his early 30's ie my age via a referral from their professional circles of friends. The guy immediately managed to strike a very amazing impression on everyone in our family.

    The guys mother had been battling terminal breast cancer for the last 15 years and her story was even more remarkable because the doctors only gave her 6 months to live and she has been a heroic survivor. My parents were super impressed to discover that the guy being the eldest of his 4 siblings in his family took on the responsibility of his mothers care himself compared to the younger siblings. The guys father has set backs during the time period as he got laid off from his engineering job and was never able to find employment in his field again. Eventually he had to make a decision and he decided to operate a home based business. But bottom line the father's financial situation was precarious and he was not able to support his kids education and was battling really hard to focus on his business and his wife's illness and this is where the eldest son had to step up. The father himself developed a stroke as a result of which the right side of his body is weaker compared to the left side.

    My parents especially my mom felt that given how responsibly and lovingly the son took care of his ailing mother especially was a very good sign and that he would be equally caring and compassionate towards my sister.

    The other plus point for my parents naturally was that he was a doctor who had trained to become an interventionist cardiologist and given that my sister herself was a Pakistani Doctor who had plans to study for her USMLE and later do a Masters in Public Health and a PhD this would again be a very good fit as doctors should ideally marry doctors as they both understand each others fields and the academic and professional pressures involved best. The guy was a very gifted individual and had successfully achieved scholarships and very high grades another thing my parents were impressed with.

    The guy being a 5 times namazi who never missed a single prayer was a big plus for my mom.

    Apparently the guy had been having a tough time getting rishtas because his mothers illness became a source of concern for the girls family members. In fact the guy has a younger sister and even she was engaged once and the engagement was called off the moment they found out about the girls mothers suffering from breast cancer and they were upset at not having being told before hand.

    My sister and the guy had met in the beginning of 2018 and have literally spoken every single day since they met on social media, whatsapp and phone. He even once flew down to Canada to meet her and she flew down to the US to meet him. Eventually my parents asked my sister if she was happy and comfortable with the guy and she said yes and so did the guy. Me and my elder brother got to meet the guy in the US later on as a formality and we found the guy to be socially very confident, opinionated and an excellent conversationalist and personally we all as a family felt this was an excellent match given that my sister herself was a super talkative social personality and therefore it was imperative that she also found a guy who matched her in that regard

    We finally made the engagement public with our immediate family members who met the guy during a family dinner and they were super impressed with him and his ability to be charming, to create an impression, to easily talk playfully with kids and to have a mature engaging conversation with adults

    They got nikaofied by the end of the year and they kept talking each and every day on the phone for 3-4 hours almost daily. He even flew down once to Canada for 3-4 days during which my sister went to live with him as she was his wife now.

    My baby sister used to be very close to me and would never hide anything from me and would always confide in me whenever she was upset or depressed about something. However ever since her fiancé and her husband came to her life, her attitude and opinion changed for the worst and I almost felt like she felt I was not as mature, personally, professionally as well settled as I should be and in many ways she stopped confiding with me and didn't want anything much to do with me as her entire world was her fiancé and her husband now. I accepted it as a gradual inevitability of life that everyone goes through and that everyone has the right to move on in their lives and that siblings should give each other their spaces.

    The marriage ceremonies finally took place in the Summer this year and during this whole time all of us felt this was an excellent union where both the couples personality wise, education and field wise very an excellent combination for each other.

    However, since then so many things have come to light which have petrified me that things are not rosy, milk and honey as people expect it to be.

    It's almost like as if the guy has completely dropped his guard down now that he has successfully managed to marry my sister and that he doesn't have to worry about losing her.

    My sister naturally speaks to only my mom and dad on whatsapp but she doesn't seem me mature enough to talk too about these things.

    My first major concern about the guy and his family occurred during the Valima when the guys brother in his speech made comments that my sister should be very grateful that she did not have to work as hard as her husband, struggle and battle through tough times as her husband did during his journey to become a doctor. That speech really got me very very upset and was the first real warning sign to me about this Pakistani American family thinking they were far superior compared to Pakistanis born and raised in Pakistan. My parents, immediate and extended family members were very upset with the speech especially with the sight that my sisters husband was smiling, smirking the whole time without any feelings of offence over his brothers comments towards my sister. My parents decided to let the matter go and not make a big deal out of it in the largest interests of piece and harmony

    Now I am not out here to claim my baby sister is perfect or flawless. She was born and raised in Pakistan where we enjoyed the benefit, privilege of having a nice comfortable lifestyle of servants and never had to worry about money problems. But she has battled very hard through her own problems. She was diagnosed with Dyslexia and she was having problems in keeping her numbers decent in high school because she was not naturally as gifted and bright compared to other normal bright students. But she still took on the challenge of being the only child to pursue medicine which is always a challenge for even normally bright students, battled through many resits, re examinations, sleepless nights, kept dusting herself off the floor and eventually graduated to be a doctor from the top medical school in Pakistan

    It's been 3 months now since the marriage took place and a lot of troubling things keep coming to light. Apparently the guy is not exactly the loving compassionate guy that he portrayed himself to be in front of us and our family. In fact what I am learning is that he cares more about the well-being of his family ie parents, even siblings even if it comes at the expense of my sisters emotional well being.

    The guy has been non stop criticizing my sister day in day out about her imperfections on every single thing that he could find and I am going to quote some of the things he has been saying to my sister

    "Your cooking sucks, what the hell did you do all these years living in your parents home"

    "Did you iron your father's shirts like this"

    "I want you to do all the dishes, don't make my parents do them"

    "Why do I always see my parents do the dishes", the guy leaves for work early in the morning ie 7 and comes home late at night by 9-10 and just because he sees his dad or mom clean a few dishes, he assumes that my sister didn't do anything at all in the kitchen

    "This is what you signed up for, suck it up, this is your life now" When my sister was upset about missing her parents and family"

    "It's a pity that your father's excellent world wide reputation, professional qualifications, achievements does not reflect on any of his kids"

    "I worked hard and managed to get myself a scholarship of $500,000 and some student loans which I paid off myself, you have been given everything on a platter by daddy"

    "I better not here him complain about you, everyone is being so nice, understanding and accepting towards you but you are the one who is being difficult and impossible". This was after my sister had to use the younger brothers computer to send a few emails because the WiFi was not working in her room and she needed to send it urgently and the younger brother was in the washroom and couldn't be approached for permission at the time. He got upset and complained to everyone including his elder brother

    Now I am not trying to say here that my baby sister is perfect or doesn't have flaws like we all do, but I know for a fact that she is trying her level best to adjust and adapt to married life. She now wakes up in the morning at 6 to make sure her husband has his breakfast before he leaves for work and packs lunch for him. She helps his mother with cooking, kitchen and house work as much as possible. She makes sure when he comes home at night he has dinner immediately

    The guy hounds her over spending with a fine tooth comb, if she buys a cup of coffee, women cosmetics or even groceries he keeps mentally torturing her with comments that you are financially reckless and irresponsible even though he himself has no qualms on spending as much as he wants on himself, his luxury items, his countless lunches and dinners outside. My sister came to Toronto for a week last month and on the night of her departure he again sent her a very demeaning whatsapp message regarding her spending habits and I could over hear my sister crying like mad next to my mom "Mom, how much can I change, compromise and take? He only married me for my face, he should have married someone more suitable for him, I can't take it anymore"

    My parents especially my mom are off the view point that in order for any marriage to be successful, it is the girl who has to make more sacrifices than the guy and that it is her duty to suck it up and deal with it especially when there are kids involved. My mom also have the viewpoint that my sister has been raised with a lot of love, pampering and that she needs to toughen up and accept the realities of life in her susral and married life.

    They also think that in order for her to really win the respect of her new family, her husband, it is imperative for her to clear her USMLE exam, find a good residency and become an American doctor so that she has an income of her own. In fact my dad is also encouraging my sister to aim big by looking to do a masters in public health program and then a PhD so that she can have expanded career options. My dad knowing full well that her husband cannot afford the tuition amount has already set aside the money for her to fund her education.

    My dad has also set up an account for them and wishes to help my sister and her husband a down payment for their first house. Which girls father is willing to provide such gifts for his son in law especially it is the son in law, his family who is responsible for taking care of his wife and her needs

    Today after a long long time, my baby sister reached out to me after almost 2 years as the elder brother she had always been close to on Whatsapp and it literally felt like she was crying in front of me. She was like she was sick and tired of the emotional abuse from her husband, his demanding nature, his expectations of perfectionism, the fact he was always treating her as a servant. That she was now in a family where you either compete or get left behind, no sympathy for issues. His demands for high quality fresh food cooked for him everyday, his unsympathetic attitude towards her studies, his comments that she is not what he expected and her frustrations with mom, dad that she tells them everything but they keep ignoring her by telling her to suck it up, deal with it, compromise, study for her exams and she in her frustration commented that her own parents had zero idea about how difficult her life was balancing married life, domestic duties and then studies because they benefitted massively from having servants in Pakistan

    I am deeply troubled and upset right now. I know my parents are not going to do anything. Ideally speaking I feel like going to the US right now and delivering the most powerful Mike Tyson right hand as possible on the guys jaw or going up to the guy John Rambo style, grabbing him by the throat and threatening to rip his insides out if he doesn't mend his ways and change his attitude, behavior towards my sister. But alas, I know this is real life and not a movie. I think the guy is now talking full advantage of the fact that divorce for Pakistani women and girls is a big no and they become heavily socially stigmatized because of which they suck it up and as a result of which they have nothing to fear anymore.

    Anyways the reason for me creating this thread is because I need some feedback from experienced people here who have dealt with these things when their sisters have gotten married into a new family?

    Am I over thinking this? Is stuff like this natural in a newly wed couples early married life? Do the girls parents and her siblings have the right to forcefully intervene to correct unacceptable behaviour and attitude in the guy? Is there some way we can put the fear of God and consequences in the guy

    I can't stand my sister being miserable like this any longer. I feel like aggressively talking to my parents now about this issue and that we need to do something about this to resolve these problems otherwise it's not going to get better on its own

    But before I discuss this with them, I thought I would ask everyone over here
    ‘Doctors should marry doctors’

    What a load of nonsense right there. That’s where the problems start. Be humble.

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    Savak brother, you should not put your personal information on a forum especially information that relates to your sister.

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    My brother, a single decision made in a moment of madness can lead to a lifetime of regret. My view is that you should continue praying for your sister and she should also pray for a change of heart for her husband. The guy seems to be someone who had to grow a tough a thick layer of skin because of the personal family issues and his father being a sort of failure.

    Your sister should be encouraged to pursue her career/dreams and it would take her mind off the stress she is facing in her married life. It seems as if the guy doesn’t value her the way he should, but this will change when he sees that she is an asset to the family and not just a trophy (I’m not being rude).

  47. #47
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    Quote Originally Posted by King-Misbah View Post
    Savak brother, you should not put your personal information on a forum especially information that relates to your sister.
    That is noble for you to say but the guy is clearly distressed and is seeking help. He should be allowed to use the platform he wants without us judging him for his issues. It’s brave of him to do this.

  48. #48
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rana View Post
    That is noble for you to say but the guy is clearly distressed and is seeking help. He should be allowed to use the platform he wants without us judging him for his issues. It’s brave of him to do this.
    I am not judging and wish him and his family the best. However, if lets say his sisters husband reads this then this will only lead to more complications.

  49. #49
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rana View Post
    That is noble for you to say but the guy is clearly distressed and is seeking help. He should be allowed to use the platform he wants without us judging him for his issues. It’s brave of him to do this.
    Is he’s sister aware her brother is spilling her life stories on a internet forum? What if the brother in law found out?

  50. #50
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    Quote Originally Posted by Savak View Post
    My Baby sister immigrated to Canada in the beginning of 2018 after graduating from one of the top medical schools in Pakistan. My parents wanted her to get married afterwards as she turned 25 and I backed my parents decision.

    To my parents delight they found a Pakistani American doctor in his early 30's ie my age via a referral from their professional circles of friends. The guy immediately managed to strike a very amazing impression on everyone in our family.

    The guys mother had been battling terminal breast cancer for the last 15 years and her story was even more remarkable because the doctors only gave her 6 months to live and she has been a heroic survivor. My parents were super impressed to discover that the guy being the eldest of his 4 siblings in his family took on the responsibility of his mothers care himself compared to the younger siblings. The guys father has set backs during the time period as he got laid off from his engineering job and was never able to find employment in his field again. Eventually he had to make a decision and he decided to operate a home based business. But bottom line the father's financial situation was precarious and he was not able to support his kids education and was battling really hard to focus on his business and his wife's illness and this is where the eldest son had to step up. The father himself developed a stroke as a result of which the right side of his body is weaker compared to the left side.

    My parents especially my mom felt that given how responsibly and lovingly the son took care of his ailing mother especially was a very good sign and that he would be equally caring and compassionate towards my sister.

    The other plus point for my parents naturally was that he was a doctor who had trained to become an interventionist cardiologist and given that my sister herself was a Pakistani Doctor who had plans to study for her USMLE and later do a Masters in Public Health and a PhD this would again be a very good fit as doctors should ideally marry doctors as they both understand each others fields and the academic and professional pressures involved best. The guy was a very gifted individual and had successfully achieved scholarships and very high grades another thing my parents were impressed with.

    The guy being a 5 times namazi who never missed a single prayer was a big plus for my mom.

    Apparently the guy had been having a tough time getting rishtas because his mothers illness became a source of concern for the girls family members. In fact the guy has a younger sister and even she was engaged once and the engagement was called off the moment they found out about the girls mothers suffering from breast cancer and they were upset at not having being told before hand.

    My sister and the guy had met in the beginning of 2018 and have literally spoken every single day since they met on social media, whatsapp and phone. He even once flew down to Canada to meet her and she flew down to the US to meet him. Eventually my parents asked my sister if she was happy and comfortable with the guy and she said yes and so did the guy. Me and my elder brother got to meet the guy in the US later on as a formality and we found the guy to be socially very confident, opinionated and an excellent conversationalist and personally we all as a family felt this was an excellent match given that my sister herself was a super talkative social personality and therefore it was imperative that she also found a guy who matched her in that regard

    We finally made the engagement public with our immediate family members who met the guy during a family dinner and they were super impressed with him and his ability to be charming, to create an impression, to easily talk playfully with kids and to have a mature engaging conversation with adults

    They got nikaofied by the end of the year and they kept talking each and every day on the phone for 3-4 hours almost daily. He even flew down once to Canada for 3-4 days during which my sister went to live with him as she was his wife now.

    My baby sister used to be very close to me and would never hide anything from me and would always confide in me whenever she was upset or depressed about something. However ever since her fiancé and her husband came to her life, her attitude and opinion changed for the worst and I almost felt like she felt I was not as mature, personally, professionally as well settled as I should be and in many ways she stopped confiding with me and didn't want anything much to do with me as her entire world was her fiancé and her husband now. I accepted it as a gradual inevitability of life that everyone goes through and that everyone has the right to move on in their lives and that siblings should give each other their spaces.

    The marriage ceremonies finally took place in the Summer this year and during this whole time all of us felt this was an excellent union where both the couples personality wise, education and field wise very an excellent combination for each other.

    However, since then so many things have come to light which have petrified me that things are not rosy, milk and honey as people expect it to be.

    It's almost like as if the guy has completely dropped his guard down now that he has successfully managed to marry my sister and that he doesn't have to worry about losing her.

    My sister naturally speaks to only my mom and dad on whatsapp but she doesn't seem me mature enough to talk too about these things.

    My first major concern about the guy and his family occurred during the Valima when the guys brother in his speech made comments that my sister should be very grateful that she did not have to work as hard as her husband, struggle and battle through tough times as her husband did during his journey to become a doctor. That speech really got me very very upset and was the first real warning sign to me about this Pakistani American family thinking they were far superior compared to Pakistanis born and raised in Pakistan. My parents, immediate and extended family members were very upset with the speech especially with the sight that my sisters husband was smiling, smirking the whole time without any feelings of offence over his brothers comments towards my sister. My parents decided to let the matter go and not make a big deal out of it in the largest interests of piece and harmony

    Now I am not out here to claim my baby sister is perfect or flawless. She was born and raised in Pakistan where we enjoyed the benefit, privilege of having a nice comfortable lifestyle of servants and never had to worry about money problems. But she has battled very hard through her own problems. She was diagnosed with Dyslexia and she was having problems in keeping her numbers decent in high school because she was not naturally as gifted and bright compared to other normal bright students. But she still took on the challenge of being the only child to pursue medicine which is always a challenge for even normally bright students, battled through many resits, re examinations, sleepless nights, kept dusting herself off the floor and eventually graduated to be a doctor from the top medical school in Pakistan

    It's been 3 months now since the marriage took place and a lot of troubling things keep coming to light. Apparently the guy is not exactly the loving compassionate guy that he portrayed himself to be in front of us and our family. In fact what I am learning is that he cares more about the well-being of his family ie parents, even siblings even if it comes at the expense of my sisters emotional well being.

    The guy has been non stop criticizing my sister day in day out about her imperfections on every single thing that he could find and I am going to quote some of the things he has been saying to my sister

    "Your cooking sucks, what the hell did you do all these years living in your parents home"

    "Did you iron your father's shirts like this"

    "I want you to do all the dishes, don't make my parents do them"

    "Why do I always see my parents do the dishes", the guy leaves for work early in the morning ie 7 and comes home late at night by 9-10 and just because he sees his dad or mom clean a few dishes, he assumes that my sister didn't do anything at all in the kitchen

    "This is what you signed up for, suck it up, this is your life now" When my sister was upset about missing her parents and family"

    "It's a pity that your father's excellent world wide reputation, professional qualifications, achievements does not reflect on any of his kids"

    "I worked hard and managed to get myself a scholarship of $500,000 and some student loans which I paid off myself, you have been given everything on a platter by daddy"

    "I better not here him complain about you, everyone is being so nice, understanding and accepting towards you but you are the one who is being difficult and impossible". This was after my sister had to use the younger brothers computer to send a few emails because the WiFi was not working in her room and she needed to send it urgently and the younger brother was in the washroom and couldn't be approached for permission at the time. He got upset and complained to everyone including his elder brother

    Now I am not trying to say here that my baby sister is perfect or doesn't have flaws like we all do, but I know for a fact that she is trying her level best to adjust and adapt to married life. She now wakes up in the morning at 6 to make sure her husband has his breakfast before he leaves for work and packs lunch for him. She helps his mother with cooking, kitchen and house work as much as possible. She makes sure when he comes home at night he has dinner immediately

    The guy hounds her over spending with a fine tooth comb, if she buys a cup of coffee, women cosmetics or even groceries he keeps mentally torturing her with comments that you are financially reckless and irresponsible even though he himself has no qualms on spending as much as he wants on himself, his luxury items, his countless lunches and dinners outside. My sister came to Toronto for a week last month and on the night of her departure he again sent her a very demeaning whatsapp message regarding her spending habits and I could over hear my sister crying like mad next to my mom "Mom, how much can I change, compromise and take? He only married me for my face, he should have married someone more suitable for him, I can't take it anymore"

    My parents especially my mom are off the view point that in order for any marriage to be successful, it is the girl who has to make more sacrifices than the guy and that it is her duty to suck it up and deal with it especially when there are kids involved. My mom also have the viewpoint that my sister has been raised with a lot of love, pampering and that she needs to toughen up and accept the realities of life in her susral and married life.

    They also think that in order for her to really win the respect of her new family, her husband, it is imperative for her to clear her USMLE exam, find a good residency and become an American doctor so that she has an income of her own. In fact my dad is also encouraging my sister to aim big by looking to do a masters in public health program and then a PhD so that she can have expanded career options. My dad knowing full well that her husband cannot afford the tuition amount has already set aside the money for her to fund her education.

    My dad has also set up an account for them and wishes to help my sister and her husband a down payment for their first house. Which girls father is willing to provide such gifts for his son in law especially it is the son in law, his family who is responsible for taking care of his wife and her needs

    Today after a long long time, my baby sister reached out to me after almost 2 years as the elder brother she had always been close to on Whatsapp and it literally felt like she was crying in front of me. She was like she was sick and tired of the emotional abuse from her husband, his demanding nature, his expectations of perfectionism, the fact he was always treating her as a servant. That she was now in a family where you either compete or get left behind, no sympathy for issues. His demands for high quality fresh food cooked for him everyday, his unsympathetic attitude towards her studies, his comments that she is not what he expected and her frustrations with mom, dad that she tells them everything but they keep ignoring her by telling her to suck it up, deal with it, compromise, study for her exams and she in her frustration commented that her own parents had zero idea about how difficult her life was balancing married life, domestic duties and then studies because they benefitted massively from having servants in Pakistan

    I am deeply troubled and upset right now. I know my parents are not going to do anything. Ideally speaking I feel like going to the US right now and delivering the most powerful Mike Tyson right hand as possible on the guys jaw or going up to the guy John Rambo style, grabbing him by the throat and threatening to rip his insides out if he doesn't mend his ways and change his attitude, behavior towards my sister. But alas, I know this is real life and not a movie. I think the guy is now talking full advantage of the fact that divorce for Pakistani women and girls is a big no and they become heavily socially stigmatized because of which they suck it up and as a result of which they have nothing to fear anymore.

    Anyways the reason for me creating this thread is because I need some feedback from experienced people here who have dealt with these things when their sisters have gotten married into a new family?

    Am I over thinking this? Is stuff like this natural in a newly wed couples early married life? Do the girls parents and her siblings have the right to forcefully intervene to correct unacceptable behaviour and attitude in the guy? Is there some way we can put the fear of God and consequences in the guy

    I can't stand my sister being miserable like this any longer. I feel like aggressively talking to my parents now about this issue and that we need to do something about this to resolve these problems otherwise it's not going to get better on its own

    But before I discuss this with them, I thought I would ask everyone over here
    Tbh, your family is very picky. You obviously seeked an American Doctor first. Once you accept it is okay to marry someone less educated than yourselves, the better the outcomes.

  51. #51
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    Quote Originally Posted by in_cutter View Post
    Is he’s sister aware her brother is spilling her life stories on a internet forum? What if the brother in law found out?
    Well if his side of the story is correct it won’t make things any better for his sister but at least his brother in law might become aware that this is having a serious affect on the extended family. It’s already a tense situation and will only become worse but at least the guy has got it out there and is seeking advice. How do you know our friend Savak isn’t going through the toughest phase of his life knowing his sister is very unhappy? Cut the guy some slack

  52. #52
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    Quote Originally Posted by Savak View Post
    Lol, money was not the factor. It were things like he is a doctor which works well for my sisters medical ambitions, his 5 times namazi habits, him taking care of his parents and going out of his way for them. My parents assumed that the guy would have awesome character and values, but we are learning the hard way now
    Can you tell me how can a busy interventional cardiologist, who works from 8am to 8pm be a 5 time namazi and also take care of hid mother?

  53. #53
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    Quote Originally Posted by cricketjoshila View Post
    Can you tell me how can a busy interventional cardiologist, who works from 8am to 8pm be a 5 time namazi and also take care of hid mother?
    Thank you!!! As I mentioned earlier, the real reason they got the sister married into that family is because the guy is highly educated.

  54. #54
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    In this day & age, it is rare that people actively seek rishtay for their daughters.

    An example....we had a rishta request for my youngest sister. Now, before this, we did not seek for a rishta because we knew it is only a matter of time before someone approaches us. Eventually, the guy’s family came around. We didn’t care if the guy was s doctor, a lawyer, an accountant etc or no. As long as they are both happy. Rishta done & dusted. We didn’t go out of our way to do background checks or hire a private detective.

  55. #55
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    Quote Originally Posted by in_cutter View Post
    Is he’s sister aware her brother is spilling her life stories on a internet forum? What if the brother in law found out?
    Don't give a f about the B I L. He and his family can go to hell. My baby sister is everything to me, if they can treat themselves like God's gift to earth but my sister like crap, we will also remind them off their place

  56. #56
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    Quote Originally Posted by King-Misbah View Post
    Savak brother, you should not put your personal information on a forum especially information that relates to your sister.
    It's all cool. No one knows my real identity or off the people involved so it's all safe and good. We are all anonymous here

  57. #57
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    Quote Originally Posted by Savak View Post
    Don't give a f about the B I L.He and his family can go to hell. My baby sister is everything to me, if they can treat themselves like God's gift to earth but my sister like crap, we will also remind them off their place
    Well, you were quick to be impressed with him because he is a doctor. Your family wanted a high end rishta....this mentality needs to change:

  58. #58
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    Quote Originally Posted by Savak View Post
    I think he is now going to really put the guy in his place in a private one to one meeting and threaten him that if he does not change or improve his behaviour, he better be ready for some pretty dire consequences legally through the court system where he will be bound to give her half of whatever he has and some professional consequences as well given my dad's contacts in the medical community.

    After a long long time I have been proud of my dad come out of his shell and do what's right
    Brother, you and your family may need to take a huge step back for a bit. Let the emotions settle down.

    The consequences of "threatening" someone is something you really don't want to deal with. Unstable/emotional/angry human beings do crazy things when pushed into a corner.

    You will end up putting your sister in harm's way by doing this. Just think about it. If the man is as described, do you believe it's sensible to threaten him?

    What your sister needs is a stable support system rather than someone who will add fuel to the fire and make it ten times worse.


    May the Hawks Fly Forever. Lightning Hawks CC -- Team Thread.

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    Firstly, as others have said you have way too much personal information on this forum and believe me it is VERY easy to figure out someones identity with the trail of bread crumbs you are leaving here. But you don't seem to agree with that and that is your choice.

    I just have one comment about something that stood out for me in your post. That your father is making a down payment for your sister's house and also for her education. While I can understand him paying for the education (even though most people in the west do that on their own with loans/scholarships etc), him paying for the house is a huge red flag. If your brother in law is really the kind of person your post makes him out to be then maybe this is exactly what he wants your family to do. I hope your family doesn't fall into the trap of trying to save the relationship by giving him financial favors. Why does a well established doctor living in the west need financial assistance from your family? If his intention was to exploit the relationship for financial gain all along you are just reinforcing this behavior by giving him what he wants.

  60. #60
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    Quote Originally Posted by in_cutter View Post
    Well, you were quick to be impressed with him because he is a doctor. Your family wanted a high end rishta....this mentality needs to change:
    Harsh lesson learnt. But ultimately no matter how much research you do or meetings you hold, its always a Jua at the end of the day. There is nothing you can really do to predict how an individual will behave, act once you start living with them.

  61. #61
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    She apparently did not clear one of her USMLE exams early on and he has judged her really badly because of this. He has always been a high achieving individual and he and his family i.e. siblings have the mindset of do it or left behind, they have zero tolerance, empathy for people who are not as academically gifted as them, people with issues, people who need more time to catch up.

    This is not what a marriage is about and its not suppossed to be this cut throat. Time to give some tough love to this dude. I am also beginning to suspect he perhaps did not have such a major role in his parents care as originally suspected

  62. #62
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    Quote Originally Posted by Savak View Post
    She apparently did not clear one of her USMLE exams early on and he has judged her really badly because of this. He has always been a high achieving individual and he and his family i.e. siblings have the mindset of do it or left behind, they have zero tolerance, empathy for people who are not as academically gifted as them, people with issues, people who need more time to catch up.

    This is not what a marriage is about and its not suppossed to be this cut throat. Time to give some tough love to this dude. I am also beginning to suspect he perhaps did not have such a major role in his parents care as originally suspected
    You can’t presume wild scenario on his behalf since he is not here to present his side of story. For all we know, he could be victim and your sister might be lying as with the cases nowadays where women are aggressor and cause of divorce.

    It is best for you to stay away and keep quiet. If your sister wants to divorce, then let her. There is no shortcoming for doctors when it comes to proposal. Get over hyper and come to the earth.

    Because nobody marry divorcee and even you wouldn’t given your narrow minded. Don’t do something you might regret later. It is between your sister and your brother in law. Let them handle it. You stay out of it.

    You are not the right person to judge when it comes to marriage since you are man child who are not ready for marriage therefore you are last person to judge others who have marriage experience and whatever marriage crisis they have can handle themselves.
    Last edited by mgtow; 7th October 2019 at 21:22.

  63. #63
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    Quote Originally Posted by mgtow View Post
    You can’t presume wild scenario on his behalf since he is not here to present his side of story. For all we know, he could be victim and your sister might be lying as with the cases nowadays where women are aggressor and cause of divorce.

    It is best for you to stay away and keep quiet. If your sister wants to divorce, then let her. There is no shortcoming for doctors when it comes to proposal. Get over hyper and come to the earth.

    Because nobody marry divorcee and even you wouldn’t given your narrow minded. Don’t do something you might regret later. It is between your sister and your brother in law. Let them handle it. You stay out of it.

    You are not the right person to judge when it comes to marriage since you are man child who are not ready for marriage therefore you are last person to judge others who have marriage experience and whatever marriage crisis they have can handle themselves.
    *** are you Mr so called Alpha male? You have no right to call anyone a man child, why don't you tell everyone everything about yourself and let us judge how manly you are and how perfectly you are handling your marriages.

  64. #64
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    Quote Originally Posted by Savak View Post
    Harsh lesson learnt. But ultimately no matter how much research you do or meetings you hold, its always a Jua at the end of the day. There is nothing you can really do to predict how an individual will behave, act once you start living with them.
    It is true. There are people who lead double lives. They are nice and friendly externally but once you start to live with them, you will see what they are really about.


    Bangladeshi Man

  65. #65
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    Quote Originally Posted by sweep_shot View Post
    It is true. There are people who lead double lives. They are nice and friendly externally but once you start to live with them, you will see what they are really about.
    I heard of an episode where a girl was engaged to a guy, but somehow by chance a really close friend of hers ran into the guy's ex somewhere where she narrated her entire experience with the guy and based on that interaction, feedback, she shared with her best friend and the best friend ended things with the guy. Talk about a guardian angel watching from heaven.

  66. #66
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    Quote Originally Posted by Savak View Post
    *** are you Mr so called Alpha male? You have no right to call anyone a man child, why don't you tell everyone everything about yourself and let us judge how manly you are and how perfectly you are handling your marriages.
    I am just giving you reality check and you cannot handle it. Re read my posts and focus on what I am trying to say instead of getting sentimental over again.

    I am married man who is keeping his marriage float through the compromise, Alhamdulillah, because unlike you I don’t live in Bollywood nor I have fixated on the standards of expectation as if they are subjects.

    You asked for honest opinion. Don’t cry like baby now.
    Last edited by mgtow; 8th October 2019 at 05:24.

  67. #67
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    Quote Originally Posted by mgtow View Post
    I am just giving you reality check and you cannot handle it. Re read my posts and focus on what I am trying to say instead of getting sentimental over again.

    I am married man who is keeping his marriage float through the compromise, Alhamdulillah, because unlike you I don’t live in Bollywood nor I have fixated on the standards of expectation as if they are subjects.

    You asked for honest opinion. Don’t cry like baby now.
    Post this post in some other thread and keep your biases against me out of this thread. Your bias and double standards are already evident given that you have deliberately cast question marks on my sister selectively and given a pass to her husband when he is doing the exact same thing to her that you accuse I will do to my spouse.

    You can keep your marriage afloat through your compromises, your business, your life, don't lecture others to do so when they have good options where they don't need to make such excessive compromises

  68. #68
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    Quote Originally Posted by Savak View Post
    Post this post in some other thread and keep your biases against me out of this thread. Your bias and double standards are already evident given that you have deliberately cast question marks on my sister selectively and given a pass to her husband when he is doing the exact same thing to her that you accuse I will do to my spouse.

    You can keep your marriage afloat through your compromises, your business, your life, don't lecture others to do so when they have good options where they don't need to make such excessive compromises
    You asked for honest opinions. You cannot complain now that you cannot handle the honest opinions. It has nothing to do with bias and selective as my posts are real clear.

    You are giving version about your sister and your brother in law is not here to share his version which is convenient for you to vent your frustration and get sympathy. That is not going to work here.

    As for your sister, as I said to you citing ‘stay out of it’ for the benefits of your sister because you are man child who is unfit for marriage should be refrained from meddling in your sister’s marriage as if divorce will solve everything. It is between your sister and your brother in law. You stay out of it. Nothing to do with you Mr man child.

    You came here to vilifying your brother in law on public platforms and he doesn’t even know it. Sounds like you are the problem. I will refuse to believe your versions as you are predictable given your history. You have no credibility to convince us otherwise never mind the fact that it is one sided story which is very convenient way to vilify your brother in law without his presence to share his versions.

    Again, stay out of it. You are not fit to meddle in your sister’s marriage since you are incapable of being in marriage whic requires grown up responsibility. And you are man child. This thread should be deleted since it is not right for you to publicize your sister and your brother-in-law marriage at public platform.

  69. #69
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    These threads are becoming quite the episodic bakwas serials

  70. #70
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    Quote Originally Posted by mgtow View Post
    You asked for honest opinions. You cannot complain now that you cannot handle the honest opinions. It has nothing to do with bias and selective as my posts are real clear.

    You are giving version about your sister and your brother in law is not here to share his version which is convenient for you to vent your frustration and get sympathy. That is not going to work here.

    As for your sister, as I said to you citing ‘stay out of it’ for the benefits of your sister because you are man child who is unfit for marriage should be refrained from meddling in your sister’s marriage as if divorce will solve everything. It is between your sister and your brother in law. You stay out of it. Nothing to do with you Mr man child.

    You came here to vilifying your brother in law on public platforms and he doesn’t even know it. Sounds like you are the problem. I will refuse to believe your versions as you are predictable given your history. You have no credibility to convince us otherwise never mind the fact that it is one sided story which is very convenient way to vilify your brother in law without his presence to share his versions.

    Again, stay out of it. You are not fit to meddle in your sister’s marriage since you are incapable of being in marriage whic requires grown up responsibility. And you are man child. This thread should be deleted since it is not right for you to publicize your sister and your brother-in-law marriage at public platform.
    Mr compromiser budhe buzurg in a perhaps sucky boring marriage which you cannot get out of, first of all stick to the topic and the thread, you are free to discuss me being unfit for marriage when the thread deals exclusively with me. When you say "us", speak for yourself only as the vast majority of the posters here disagree with you, you can choose not to believe me and I give a rats *** about you and your biased opinion which is driven by your negative perception of me.

    It my sister is asking me to intervene via trying to press my parents I will do as she asks me and I can no longer see her in misery.

  71. #71
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    Quote Originally Posted by Savak View Post
    Mr compromiser budhe buzurg in a perhaps sucky boring marriage which you cannot get out of, first of all stick to the topic and the thread, you are free to discuss me being unfit for marriage when the thread deals exclusively with me. When you say "us", speak for yourself only as the vast majority of the posters here disagree with you, you can choose not to believe me and I give a rats *** about you and your biased opinion which is driven by your negative perception of me.

    It my sister is asking me to intervene via trying to press my parents I will do as she asks me and I can no longer see her in misery.
    I heard about age. I am younger than you but I have more wisdom if that is what you mean. And you asked honest opinions and that is what I offered that relates to the topic. You just don’t like the ugly truth as pointed out repeatedly while behaving like crying kid who doesn’t get his way. Chalk it up as biased or selective but that doesn’t change the fact about you.

    I am certain your sister asked you to disclose her private life and neither does your brother. Here you are being immature wants validation against the privacy of your sister and your brother in law. No one will support you here.
    Last edited by Saj; 8th October 2019 at 12:48.

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    Savak, I empathize with your situation, but I strongly feel that you overcomplicate marriage. Like any other relationship, it is not about perfection. This whole “background checks” is so condescending. What do you even mean by background checks?

    Your sister is in a tough spot, but a lot of Pakistani girls who are pampered in their homes go through the same. If you are an only girl in an upper class Pakistani household, you are going to live like a princess and the transition from being a daddy’s girl to a wife with responsibilities is not going to be easy.

    I am sorry to say but your sister seems to have pictured Mr. Perfect and now that the reality has dawned on her, she is panicking.

    So your brother-in-law is successful and has a great personality. Works hard all day, prays 5 times, takes care of his parents and pampered your sister before marrying her. In other words, an angel descended from the heavens for your sister.

    What did you or your sister expect married life to be like? An extension of the pre-marriage courtship?

    Neither you nor your sister seem to understand how marriages work. It is not surprising that the only two people who are seeing things clearly are your parents, and that is because they are experienced. Their advice that she should deal with it is the best advice at this point.

    Do you honestly think flying to the U.S. and knocking him out will make life better for your sister? Physical intimidation does not work in real life. If you want to make life miserable for your sister, sure go ahead and kick his backside.

    Parents/elder siblings play a huge role in saving/breaking a marriage in our households, and by irrationality supporting your sister out of brotherly love, you are negatively impacting her relationship and how she views her husband.

    Also, like others, I am sorry to point out your double-standards. Her husband seems similar to you and how you view women and marriage, and your sister clearly is not proving to be the type of wife you picture in your mind.

    If you think less as a brother and more as the type of man that you really are, I think you will be able to give her better advice.

    However, I will not tell you to do nothing. It appears that you and your sister aren’t the only ones to have received a reality check. Her husband should have realized that a single girl in a rich family with academic ambitions was never going to be a typical Pakistani housewife.

    He is equally naive as you two if he thought that your sister would hit the ground running - i.e. cook excellent food from day one, iron his clothes like a pro, do the chores and take care of his parents. If he wanted these qualities he should have married a girl who wasn’t ambitious and wasn’t pampered in her home. As a doctor in the U.S., he wouldn’t have been short on options.

    As her brother, you need to try your best to make her marriage work. You think your parents don’t understand the situation but they perfectly do, and they know that their advice is going to help her in her marriage.

    You need to do the same. Don’t tell your sister that her husband is a jerk and she is right etc. Don’t reinforce her feelings. By siding with her, you are making her feel that her parents don’t get it and she is the victim.

    You need to condition her into thinking that she is not the victim and her family thinks that her husband is not being unreasonable. That is what is right for her marriage at this stage.

    It is also best to ignore the premature talk of divorce. It is a huge stigma in our society especially for girls. The guy will not have much trouble getting married again, but your sister will find it hard. That is how our society is.

    Along with siding with your brother-in-law in front of your sister, you need to have a conversation with your brother-in-law. No Mike Tyson style punches or flying kicks.

    Just a conversation, even if it would be fake on your part. You need to communicate to him that your sister is happy with him and that she is trying her best to adjust to married life quickly.

    Give him the impression that your sister is not complaining about him and you and your family do not think that he is mistreating her. He probably feels that she is complaining behind his back and it is not going to help your sister.

    You and your sister need to realize that marriage is a long and arduous journey and change is the only constant. His parents won’t be around forever, things might change after they have a child, he might grow dependent on her in due time etc. Don’t assume that things will stay as they are for the rest of their lives.

    Finally, and I wanted to put this at the end - your father should absolutely not pay for his house. He is swimming in dollars and there is no reason for your father to bear his financial responsibility.

    If he gets the impression that your father is willing to spend money on them, it won’t stop with a house. He will take advantage of him throughout his life.

  73. #73
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    Quote Originally Posted by Savak View Post
    Mr compromiser budhe buzurg in a perhaps sucky boring marriage which you cannot get out of, first of all stick to the topic and the thread, you are free to discuss me being unfit for marriage when the thread deals exclusively with me. When you say "us", speak for yourself only as the vast majority of the posters here disagree with you, you can choose not to believe me and I give a rats *** about you and your biased opinion which is driven by your negative perception of me.

    It my sister is asking me to intervene via trying to press my parents I will do as she asks me and I can no longer see her in misery.


    No you shouldn’t. Both you and your sister need to act with more maturity and pragmatism. If you want to save her marriage (which you should as her elder brother) you should not intervene and sympathize with her misery.

    You are acting out of your inexperience here unlike your parents, who know the importance of keeping a cool head especially in the early phase of marriage.

  74. #74
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    Quote Originally Posted by Savak View Post
    Looks like my baby sister has finally had enough and really erupted on my parents. I too couldn't hold back and against my mother's wishes I told my dad about the guys comments to my sister.

    My mother was livid and she was like I should shut up and mind my own business, my dad on the other hand fired back and told her I have given my daughter away but I have not thrown her away, if she is indeed unhappy and cannot take it anymore then I will not for a second hesitate to get her out of the marriage.

    I think he is now going to really put the guy in his place in a private one to one meeting and threaten him that if he does not change or improve his behaviour, he better be ready for some pretty dire consequences legally through the court system where he will be bound to give her half of whatever he has and some professional consequences as well given my dad's contacts in the medical community.

    After a long long time I have been proud of my dad come out of his shell and do what's right
    Oh dear.

    I just read this post, and I have to swallow my words about your father. It appears that your mother is the only semblance of hope left and the only one who is thinking clearly. Not surprising though, because she understands the compromises she had to make for her marriage.

    Also, please stop referring to your sister as “baby”. She isn’t one; she is a married woman now. I do hope you don’t call her your baby sister on her face, because that is not going to help her marriage.

  75. #75
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    You, your father and your sister are living together in a fool’s paradise if you think that your dad’s threats would make her married life better.

  76. #76
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mamoon View Post
    [/b]

    No you shouldn’t. Both you and your sister need to act with more maturity and pragmatism. If you want to save her marriage (which you should as her elder brother) you should not intervene and sympathize with her misery.

    You are acting out of your inexperience here unlike your parents, who know the importance of keeping a cool head especially in the early phase of marriage.
    Ultimately my parents especially my dad will know how to best deal with this and I am leaving it to him and I can tell he has had enough and is now going to take charge

    I am not going to sit back and see my sister go through misery at the hands of con artist.

  77. #77
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mamoon View Post
    [/b]

    No you shouldn’t. Both you and your sister need to act with more maturity and pragmatism. If you want to save her marriage (which you should as her elder brother) you should not intervene and sympathize with her misery.

    You are acting out of your inexperience here unlike your parents, who know the importance of keeping a cool head especially in the early phase of marriage.
    Quote Originally Posted by Mamoon View Post
    You, your father and your sister are living together in a fool’s paradise if you think that your dad’s threats would make her married life better.
    Married life better? You bet we are going to pull her out of a miserable unhappy situation and from a wretched person. Real people take charge of their lives

  78. #78
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mamoon View Post
    [/b]

    No you shouldn’t. Both you and your sister need to act with more maturity and pragmatism. If you want to save her marriage (which you should as her elder brother) you should not intervene and sympathize with her misery.

    You are acting out of your inexperience here unlike your parents, who know the importance of keeping a cool head especially in the early phase of marriage.
    Quote Originally Posted by Mamoon View Post
    Oh dear.

    I just read this post, and I have to swallow my words about your father. It appears that your mother is the only semblance of hope left and the only one who is thinking clearly. Not surprising though, because she understands the compromises she had to make for her marriage.

    Also, please stop referring to your sister as “baby”. She isn’t one; she is a married woman now. I do hope you don’t call her your baby sister on her face, because that is not going to help her marriage.
    My baby sister will always remain my baby sister no matter how much she grows up. This is how close we have always been

  79. #79
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    The guy sounds like a a******e, but to answer the question the girls parents, siblings should not interfere in her marriage, unless she asks them too. I can understand the frustration, if she was my sister I would want to smack the arrogance out of this guys face, but that will only make matters worse.

    Best option for the girl in this case is to stop being submissive. Next time he criticizes her spending, she should throw his words back at him "This is what you signed up for, suck it up, this is your life now".

    Stop the ironing of shirts asap. if i, who is barely breaking even, can afford dry cleaning, so can doctor sahb.

    "I worked hard and managed to get myself a scholarship of $500,000 and some student loans which I paid off myself, you have been given everything on a platter by daddy"

    Response should be that's right. And now its your turn to give me everything on a platter.

    If the guys parents are good, it would be wise to stay on there good side, and complain to them when he is being abusive.

    It takes time for marriages to work, so hopefully everything works out in the end for your sister. But this guys behavior is completely unacceptable, and she needs to put her foot down now.

  80. #80
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mamoon View Post
    Savak, I empathize with your situation, but I strongly feel that you overcomplicate marriage. Like any other relationship, it is not about perfection. This whole “background checks” is so condescending. What do you even mean by background checks?

    Your sister is in a tough spot, but a lot of Pakistani girls who are pampered in their homes go through the same. If you are an only girl in an upper class Pakistani household, you are going to live like a princess and the transition from being a daddy’s girl to a wife with responsibilities is not going to be easy.

    I am sorry to say but your sister seems to have pictured Mr. Perfect and now that the reality has dawned on her, she is panicking.

    So your brother-in-law is successful and has a great personality. Works hard all day, prays 5 times, takes care of his parents and pampered your sister before marrying her. In other words, an angel descended from the heavens for your sister.

    What did you or your sister expect married life to be like? An extension of the pre-marriage courtship?

    Neither you nor your sister seem to understand how marriages work. It is not surprising that the only two people who are seeing things clearly are your parents, and that is because they are experienced. Their advice that she should deal with it is the best advice at this point.

    Do you honestly think flying to the U.S. and knocking him out will make life better for your sister? Physical intimidation does not work in real life. If you want to make life miserable for your sister, sure go ahead and kick his backside.

    Parents/elder siblings play a huge role in saving/breaking a marriage in our households, and by irrationality supporting your sister out of brotherly love, you are negatively impacting her relationship and how she views her husband.

    Also, like others, I am sorry to point out your double-standards. Her husband seems similar to you and how you view women and marriage, and your sister clearly is not proving to be the type of wife you picture in your mind.

    If you think less as a brother and more as the type of man that you really are, I think you will be able to give her better advice.

    However, I will not tell you to do nothing. It appears that you and your sister aren’t the only ones to have received a reality check. Her husband should have realized that a single girl in a rich family with academic ambitions was never going to be a typical Pakistani housewife.

    He is equally naive as you two if he thought that your sister would hit the ground running - i.e. cook excellent food from day one, iron his clothes like a pro, do the chores and take care of his parents. If he wanted these qualities he should have married a girl who wasn’t ambitious and wasn’t pampered in her home. As a doctor in the U.S., he wouldn’t have been short on options.

    As her brother, you need to try your best to make her marriage work. You think your parents don’t understand the situation but they perfectly do, and they know that their advice is going to help her in her marriage.

    You need to do the same. Don’t tell your sister that her husband is a jerk and she is right etc. Don’t reinforce her feelings. By siding with her, you are making her feel that her parents don’t get it and she is the victim.

    You need to condition her into thinking that she is not the victim and her family thinks that her husband is not being unreasonable. That is what is right for her marriage at this stage.

    It is also best to ignore the premature talk of divorce. It is a huge stigma in our society especially for girls. The guy will not have much trouble getting married again, but your sister will find it hard. That is how our society is.

    Along with siding with your brother-in-law in front of your sister, you need to have a conversation with your brother-in-law. No Mike Tyson style punches or flying kicks.

    Just a conversation, even if it would be fake on your part. You need to communicate to him that your sister is happy with him and that she is trying her best to adjust to married life quickly.

    Give him the impression that your sister is not complaining about him and you and your family do not think that he is mistreating her. He probably feels that she is complaining behind his back and it is not going to help your sister.

    You and your sister need to realize that marriage is a long and arduous journey and change is the only constant. His parents won’t be around forever, things might change after they have a child, he might grow dependent on her in due time etc. Don’t assume that things will stay as they are for the rest of their lives.

    Finally, and I wanted to put this at the end - your father should absolutely not pay for his house. He is swimming in dollars and there is no reason for your father to bear his financial responsibility.

    If he gets the impression that your father is willing to spend money on them, it won’t stop with a house. He will take advantage of him throughout his life.
    For someone who claims to be progressive and liberal, your mindset is really regressive. I am not encouraging divorce but talking more generally a divorce is better then living a miserable life.

    However, agree with some of your other points.

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