All eyes on the Kebab maker as England arrive in Pakistan - PakPassion

Gasherbrum

A special thank you to Hash who is the inspiration behind this piece. This is what you get when you talk about kebabs during Ramadhan. Apologies in advance, roza lag raha tha, too lazy to edit:

All eyes on the Kebab maker as England arrive in Pakistan

For this series we will be profiling some unlikely heroes who work hard day and night, hardly noticed by the general public, but still play a very important role in making this and other cricket tours enjoyable for all. Today, our crew paid a visit to Kabir the Kebab maker, affectionately known as Kabbu Kababi by those close to him (or those within earshot of one of his many outlets across cricket stadiums in Pakistan). We found Kabbu to be an engaging, effervescent individual whose energy knows no bounds (except when the line-up starts during lunch time and his team like to take the go slow approach. Good for business to make them wait, he says. They wait for you, they reshphect you). In matters business related, we found his knowledge to be unparalleled. Yet, by his own admission, it took a great deal of good fortune for him to be where he is today. When opportunity knocked, however, Kabbu was waiting at the door and grabbed his chance with both greasy, meat-dripping hands.

From humble beginnings as a street vendor from the dusty back alleys of Multan, Kabbu has come a long way to become the Head of PCB’s KDS (Kebab Distribution Services) division. It was on one hot afternoon outside a small cricket ground in Multan, sometime at the start of the year 1991, where Inzamam-ul-Haq, current Pakistan captain and a kebab aficionado if you’ve ever seen one, was relaxing (while his team was busy fielding) that Kabbu’s journey began. “Inzi was really, really hungry that day and I happened to be in the area. I had heard stories about Inzi’s fondness for food from some Chaat vendors, but I had never met the young man. I just happened to be in the area at the right time, and after feasting on a couple dozen beef kebabs, Inzi was called upon as it was his turn to bat. He scored 247 runs in no time, that’s almost 10 runs a kebab, and the rest, as they say, is history”, recalls Kabbu of his first meeting with Inzi. Ever since that meeting, the fortunes of the two men have been almost perfectly correlated. Inzi promised after the game that if he ever made it big, he’d come back for Kabbu. And come back he did. Now Inzi is the captain of Pakistan, and Kabbu is the undisputed Chief of Kebabs. “I owe it all to Inzi bhai,” says Kabbu with a tear slipping down his garam masala puffed cheeks. “Without his support and hunger, I would be nowhere.” [Author’s disclaimer, lest we be declared racist whiteboys – Please note that we are not implying Multan is ‘nowhere’. Those are simply the opinions expressed by the interviewee.]

Kabbu’s kebabs are extremely popular with members of the Pakistan team, though Kabbu complains that ever since Bob Woolmer has arrived, he’s had to be a lot more careful about whom he feeds. “Bob’s a hypocrite. I feed him kebabs all day and as soon as he finds out that a team member has had a few, he comes running after me for explanations. He’s even complained to Sheri a few times, though Sheri likes my kebabs too much to do anything about it. This ‘eat healthy’ fad is a bit oversold at the moment.” After a few seconds of pondering, Kabbu’s eyes begin to sparkle. “We have our ways of getting the kebabs to the players. Disguise them as veggies!” Kabbu laughs, pointing to a box full of edible green Crayons.

During our conversation with Kabbu, a gentleman wearing brownish orange sandak slippers and a (once) white ‘dhoti’ came over to have a little chat with Kabbu. The man, we were to find out later, was none other than the legendary Babu (PCB’s head toilet cleaner) who has obtained cult status on some Pakistan cricket forums. This clash of the ‘heads’ was a sight to behold. Lots of finger wagging and spitting was accompanied by a few loud shrieks of anguish by Babu. After Babu walked away, clearly disappointed with the outcome of this meeting, Kabbu let us in on a (dirty) little secret about Babu. “He’s a little, how should I say this politely, insane! Everyday he comes over complaining that I’m not cooking the kebabs properly. If I undercook them, he says that the toilets become jammed by tea time. If I overcook them, he complains that the morning session is lost the next day because everyone is lined up the next morning to use his facilities and spending way too much time in there because of constipation. There’s no pleasing that fool. Do you know he hasn’t slept for 23 days? Keeps muttering something about inefficient English digestive systems.” We contacted Sheryar Khan regarding this controversy and he confirmed that he would be having a long hard talk with both Babu and Kabbu as both of them had to work together for the series to be a success. He'd get on the case as soon as he was done eating his kebabs.

From the next generation of Pakistan players, Kabbu has singled out Bazid Khan as one to watch. “I know Inzi is irreplaceable, but this Khan kid shows great potential. He is a bit of a mummy-daddy type pizza muncher, so we have our product development team working on a kebabi pizza to fill his needs (stomach). Once we have that in place, I’m sure we’ll serve him as a member of the Pakistan team for years to come. There was this Zaidi kid as well, but he just didn’t have the eye of an international standard kebabi.”

The popularity of Kabbu’s kebabs hasn’t come without its share of controversy. Ever since setting up his headquarters at the Gaddafi stadium, there have been complaints by animal rights groups that the cat population of Lahore has seen an unprecedented decline. Kabbu insists, however, that his kebabs are not to blame. “It doesn’t make any sense for me to use cat meat. It’s more expensive than beef anyway. Donkeys are a different story altogether,” Kabbu explained, without divulging any further details.

As we were thanking Kabbu for his time, he informed us that we could get in touch with his second cousin Shabbir if we needed any help with obtaining liquor in Pakistan. “We were the pride of Multan, Shabbir and I,” said Kabbu with a hint of nostalgia in his tone. “Everywhere we went, people would say ‘woh jarahay, Sharabi Kababi!'”

MIG

Umda, Aala, Mazedar - and those are just the Kebabs - baqee to kiya kahnay GasherB - Welcome to the evil world of Satire !!!

Kaho to TSN may add karwadain iss article ko ?

MIG

and bechara Babu !!!

Sage

Gasherbrum

jaisay aap behter samjhein, sarkaar. bas aapkay aagay tou isko gustakhi hee keh saktay hain.

MCMLXXXII

Quote:

“Without his support and hunger, I would be nowhere.” [Author’s disclaimer, lest we be declared racist whiteboys – Please note that we are not implying Multan is ‘nowhere’. Those are simply the opinions expressed by the interviewee.]