Hilarious post: KBC (Kaun Banega Cricketer)

KBC - Kaun Banega Cricketer

-- By Ranja (Editor, CricketWatchdogs.com), November 30, 2005

Location: Chennai

Date: Eve of first test against Sri Lanka

Amidst the flashing neon lights and deafening background music, the clapping choreographer gestures frantically for the audience to draw the curtains on the frenetic 5 minutes clapping spree. Weary hands drop onto laps in relief.

Chappell enters through a fluorescent brightly lit red door. The intense clapping kicks off again but is so dimmed out by Chappell raising his arm gesturing the audience to calm down.

“Right folks. As you know, we are gathered here to pick the final eleven for tomorrow’s first test against Sri Lanka here in Chennai.”

He looks around at the 9 players spread across the stage floor. Fixes his glance on Ganguly and says,” Here are the rules again for those who do not follow them. Each of you gets one question only. Each of you can use only one of the following options: Ask the audience, 50-50 and phone a friend. The first phase deals with the batsmen only. The second and final phase deals with the bowlers. Now, are we ready?”

A vociferous “yeah” emanates from the audience.

“Can I use my middle finger on the buzzer?” asks Ganguly, as the expressions on other players turn to disbelief interspersed with “ooohhhs” and “aahhhhhhs” from the audience.

“Yes, you can Sourav. It’s fine as long as it doesn’t point upwards.”

“Here’s the buzzer question. The person getting the quickest correct answer will get the easiest question followed by harder ones for subsequent contestants.”

Chappell clears his throat as he poses the question, “Place in order of debut the following players: Trevor Chappell, Ian Chappell, Greg Chappell, Bill Lawry.”

There is frenetic activity on the buzzers as the results are displayed on the giant screen.

Sachin 0.0001 secs

Rahul 0.001 secs

Yuvraj 0.4 secs

Kaif 0.5 secs

Gautham 0.7 secs

VVS 0.7 secs

Sehwag 1 sec

Sourav 9.9 secs



A standing ovation greets Sachin as he takes the hot seat.

“Sachin, here’s your question. What’s the capital city of India? Is it Canberra, Islamabad, Kolkota or New Delhi?”

Sachin looks confused as if yorked by Akhtar. “I’ve been thinking it was Mumbai all this while until I saw these answers. Is it New Delhi?”

“Excellent! You are in the team,” proclaims Greg with utmost glee.

Next Dravid.

“Are you nervous Rahul?” Greg poses quizzically.

“No, no not really. As long as the processes are in place, the results will take care of themselves.”

“Are you excited about tomorrow’s match?”

“Well kinda, as long as the processes are in place, the results will look after themselves.”

“Ok Rahul, we get the drift. Here’s your question. Which city has the friendliest ground in India? Is it Kolkota, Hyderabad, Chennai or Bangalore?”

“No doubt, it’s Bangalore.”

“Is that your final answer, Rahul?”

“Yes, that’s my final answer. As long as the processes are in place, the results will look after themselves.”

“Yes, you are correct. You’re in.”

Next Yuvraj.

“Yuvi, which attribute guarantees a place in the team? Is it make-up, dedication, motivation or bleach?”

Yuvi fronts a cheesy smile as he raises 4 fingers to denote answer d: bleach.

“Excellent, you’re in. Congrats!”

Next Kaif.

“Kaif, my ear piece is bringing good news from the producers as you take the hot seat. The selectors are still not sure what you do but you are guaranteed a place in the team because of your fielding and that you try to mimic Azharuddin at times with your wristy shots. Congrats!”

Next Sehwag.

“Viru, here’s your question. If before marriage, the waistline is 30 inches and after marriage it is 36 inches, what is the increase in inches? Is it 2, 4, 6, or 8 inches?”

“You know what Greg, my wife cooks really good food. But she likes to experiment a lot. Sometimes she says she will make chawal but makes roti instead. Sometimes she says Chinese tonight but makes Mughlai dishes. I get very confused Greg. I hate experiments. I hate people experimenting with me. “

“Ok Viru, what’s your answer?”

“It’s 6 inches of course. I should know that!”

“You’re in Viru.”

Next VVS.

“What’s Hyderabad famous for? Is it biryani., Charminar, Azharuddin or match-fixing?”

VVS looks nonplussed for a few seconds but composes himself.

“It’s Azharuddin but two of the answers are one and the same.”

“Never mind all that but you are right. You’re in.”

Next Sourav.

“Long time no see Sourav. How are you?”

“I’m fine Greg. I’m still a great player. I scored a hundred against Zimbabwe recently. I am a great all rounder. I took 5 wickets recently. I also scored…”

“Ok Ok Sourav. Time’s running out. Shall we crack on?”

“Here’s your question. Who is the Captain of Bangladesh? Is it Michael Clarke, Clarkey, Clarke Michael or Habibul Bashar?”

Sourav looks pensive as he contemplates his answer. The background music works its way to a crescendo.

“Sourav?”

“Ermm…can I phone a friend?”

“Of course you can. Everyone needs friends. Who is it going to be?”

“Dalmiya.”

“Ok, let’s call Dalmiya.”

Tring, tring, tring.

“Hello?”

“Hello Dalmiya, this is Greg Chappell on KB…”

Clunk.

The line goes dead.

“Oh well, looks like your only friend has deserted you.”

Sourav looks visibly embarrassed, as he scratches his head and bites his nails.

“I need an answer quickly, Sourav.”

“Can I call another friend?”

“You are allowed only one friend Sourav. But due to your sorry state of affairs and circumstances, you can have another friend. Who is it going to be this time?”

“Probir Mukherjee.”

“Ah! The grass man” exclaims Greg. “We’ll be back soon audience after a quick break.”

Greg gets off his chair, leans over to Sourav and whispers in his ear, “Here’s the deal. You tell me where Probir Mukherjee lives and you get into the team. Agreed?”

Gets an affirmative wink from Sourav, as they both shake hands and walk towards the beverage section.

i did'nt get it.who is probir?

yeah, who the hell is probir mukherjee?

Probit Mukherjee is a curator responsible for preparing pitches.. the controversy around him is that he prepared a greentop on one of the pitches when Sri Lanka toured India to show his frustration on Ganguly's exclusion.

I read the whole thing.

I want my 2 minutes back.

LOL! why Mo., it was hilarious!

ha ha ha...hold on....

..where did veeru come from..where is his reaction time and how come guatam is missed out from the joke...???