Cricket Definitions.....:-)

Got it from another forum!! Pretty funny read!

Cricket

"I've often found myself caught on a few sticky wickets"
~ Noel Coward on Cricket

"Poor man's sport..."
~ Geoff Boycott on Cricket


Overview
Cricket was invented by Sir Reginald St. John Baden-Smythe-Cricket in 1386, whilst eating cucumber sandwiches on one of the earliest missions to Mars. His discovery defined cricket, what it is, was, has ever been and will continue to be. Cricket's chief use is as a contest between numerous obscure former colonies of the British Empire to determine which of them is the greatest nation on Earth.

Cricket was the greatest ever sport until people sang it. Cricket is divided into two houses, the House of Commons and the House of Lords. The House of Commons normally begins with bowling, which is not dissimilar to boweling. In converse, according to Fermat's Last Theorem, the House of Lords bats first. They initially attempt to obtain a fiver from the umpire through the use of a bat alone. This is obviously very dangerous and so it requires padding. Modern cricket exists only because of the billion plus Indians that don't know how to play any other game.

If a bowler hits an off-stump leg-bye then a sticky wicket is called and the game breaks for tea, however, should an elbow on-side be called, unless it's caused by a spin-twist shot or a slippy duck, then the over will be cancelled and the home side has to go to the nearest laundrette to get their kit cleaned. Usually they can score a few runs if they use a 60 degree spin-cycle non-bio detergent wash in this situation, although not always (of course). In the case of a deep wide short fine leg being run out by the slip's backwards point boundaryman, the batting team (usually The House of Lords, as said earlier) are forced to subsititute their 12th man for a golden duck and a cup of Dilmah Tea.

The game will end if the bowler throws a duck at the batsman, or the batsman scores a double whoopsie and drops his ice cream, which can either result in 12 runs or a 4 walks, depending on the state of the Umpire.

Cricket is the official religion of billions of Indians who worship its God, a man boy called Tendulkar. Other famous demigod cricketers include the athletic Ian Austin, John-Thomas Threstwhistle, Jaravegemite formeandad, Bruno Sinjinstjohn, David Boon, Warnie, Andrew Alandale, Harrison Ford and Gary Glitter.

Owing to the complexity of the rules, nobody really knows what cricket is, only what it is not; i.e. punching your quadriplegic friend's half-brother in the guts is "just not cricket". Except in Australia.

Researchers at the Sydney Higher Institute for Technology and Engineering however have analyzed the game closely over the past ten years and have discovered that the juxtaposition of 14 men on the sacred pitch, two of them waving primitive wooden implements, in many cases emits mystical forces which they are desperately trying to comprehend. Although their researches are far from complete, due in part to over-subscription of funding from Fosters, they have gained enough information to persuade the UN to fund the despatch of several of these teams to the designated drought stricken areas of the world. Reports from these regions are eagerly awaited.

Modes of Dismissal
There are three ways, exactly, to get out in the game of Cricket.

Run out
A batsman may be in for such an abominably tedious length of time that he runs out of breath. He is then required to walk.

Bowled
This occurs when a sadistic delivery from an ultra-fast bowler takes the hair off the batsman. Batsmen need to duck in this situation to avoid being out.

LBW
Although no cricket analyst has ever worked out what this stands for, the most frequent guess was that it "sounds like a band of some sort." Consequently LBW is the official term given for dismissing a batsman who feels driven to use his bat as a crude air guitar (though a few runs can sometimes be salvaged with a neat performance of 'Smoke on the Water')

Stumped
The batsman is confused as to which stroke to play, so deleriously leaves the ground on his own accord.

Caught
The batsman is caught performing some socially unacceptable act, and must leave the field in embarassment. In view of this rule, New Zealand has passed a law making the use of the word "blimey" a strict social taboo, punishable by burning in some provinces.

Timed Out
Unreliable wireless internet access in the centre of the field causes a timeout. The batsman must stomp off to the pavilion to find out who has placed his hat on the antenna.

Handled the Ball
The fitting of small handle such as might ordinarily be found on a wardrobe or chest of drawers to the ball is strictly forbidden. Usually the intent is that the ball can be flung unusually large distances using a hook, or crossbow. A 'handled ball' can be spotted by its unusual bouncing, the occasional maiming of fielders, and the fact that the batsman will typically be seen carrying a Black'n'Decker Workmate to the crease.

Obstruction
A tragic medical condition fells the batsman mid-stroke. Typically the bowler will appeal for his wicket whilst the wicket keeper performs CPR.

Hit wicket
When a batsman is unceremoniously hit in his middle stump while trying to play a stroke causing him to fall to the ground in extreme pain, he is thus forced to walk,waddle or crawl off the ground.

Hit Ball Twice
The bowler successfully catapults the ball at relativistic speeds towards the batsman, causing a temporal anomaly in the vicinity of the batsman in which he appears to hit it twice. Though in these circumstances 'hit' is a generous term.

Debatable Modes of Dismissal
Occasionally, additional modes of dismissal are allowed.

Death
The Indian crowd gets angry at the batsman's performance. As usual in India, the crowd throws the first object they can grab hold of (excluding their body parts). This has led to knives, paper clips, friends and even an elephant being thrown. However, the maximum damage has occurred when an eraser from KolKatta threw a can of Rosgullas and killed Inzamam Ul Haq who was busy eating his bat.

Cameroned
Tory leader and wouldbe future prime mine'sapint-er,David Cameron decides that he wants a go at batting and offers to switch jobs with you. After you lose the next election you are offered the job of Shadow Foppish Hair secretary in Boris Johnson's shadow cabinet. This mode of dismissal was actually named for former Test Match Umpire Cameron "Tourettes" Bowditch who was unable to control his outbursts. Originally you would be out Cameroned when your eardrums burst from the noise of these foul remarks.

Fielding Positions

Fielding in Slips
In a case of distraction, the fielding side will place players in neglige somewhat close to the batsman. The objective is to excite the batsman so that he gets out.

Fine Leg
Any fielding position where the fielder may be wearing shorts instead of pajamas to show off his/her freshly waxed legs.

Gully
Streets in Indian slums are called "gullies" where many kids learn to play cricket. This fielding position is called Gully to make the Indians feel at home and sleep while fielding.

Leg Slip
A fielding position name reserved for the area of the outfield with the most amount of dew. Recent research shows Leg Slips may be a direct consequence of a Fine Leg.

Short Leg
Not the disadvantage one would think. David Boon from Tasmania had two of them and still performed remarkably well.

Cover Point
Fielding position close to the batsman where the fielder is supposed to cover his most important body part all the time so as to not to distract the batsman and get him out.Violation of the rule results in a penalty of 20% of the match fee.

Silly Point
A fielder at a "Silly Point" is generally no more than 3 yards from the batsman and looks and behaves silly to get the batsman into fits of laughter and get out.This is usually not punishable since looking silly and behaving silly are accepted behavours on the cricket field.

Silly Mid on
A fielder in this position may have his zip open in order to distract the batsman.

Silly Mid off
A fielder in this position has to have his zip closed all the time.Any violation of the rule will result in a warning by the umpire.

Square Leg
A position behind the batsman and where the 2nd umpire stands. A favourite position for pirates who made their wooden legs from table legs and thus have dificulty playing at fine leg, since theirs aren't.

Cover
A Cover position is one that literally has to cover half of the field - usualy with a duvet, blankets having gone out of fasion in the latter half of the last century. Whilst all his lazy bozo friends are standing around, the person at cover will run, jump and generally act like a giant bedsheet strung over the clothesline.

Point
This fielder has the dual honour of being both lazy and a foulmouth. They are close enough to the batsman to be able to swear directly at them (called sledging and generally considered to be quite polite) and to be able to laugh and literally point at mistakes and where the ball is.

Third Man
Usually a dim-witted, obese and ugly fielder thats not good enough to field with the other fielders, his main job is to shift his bulk to his left or right to see if he can eat the ball.

Ninth Man
The most useless fielder, commonly referred to as the leg or legless umpire.

Twelfth man
The person who is most respected by Australians, for bringing out the drinks.

Terminology

Ashes
Detritus from the player's cigarettes.

Bad Light
A failed atempt to light a cigarette, usually due to high wind.

Batsman
Batman's sidekick. Usually goes out with more armor and padding than Batman himself.

Batter

A substance usually made from milk, eggs and butter. Can be used to make pastries such as pies and cornish pasties which can be are often subject to being eaten at lunch-time. Also, a heated dispute between the batsman and umpire often results in the latter getting battered. A fielder may also batter the field in order to divert a rolling ball in his direction.

Bowden
A rare discipline of meditation exercises most renowned for it's quirky yet oddly alluring moves. Perhaps the most well-regarded practitioner of the Bowden was one Paul Adams. Mr. Adams was hailed as the leader of the renassaince of a dying art, until alas the very thing he loved claimed his life, as he one day managed to accidentally tangle his legs around his neck while delivering a bowl in the nets by himself, thus slowly choking himself to death. The others could've sworn they heard his cries for help, but their coach, Gus Hiddink, yelled at his subjects for getting sidetracked during a practise session. He then ordered his men to give him a 100 pushups, while Herschelle Gibbs was given the special orders of sucking a golf ball through a lawn hose.

Box

A hard item used to tightly gard the most important body part of the batsman so that he does not get into any extra-curricular activities except batting.The item is endorsed by none other than stralean Shane Warne.

Century
Length of a test match

Chinaman
A thin, short, humble player. Eats rice, bowls really slow and never gets any.

Chucking
The act of staging protest against an umpire when an appeal is turned down. The term is named in the honor of Chuck Norris, who in 1997 while playing a charity cricket match at Lords couldn't believe that umpire Dickie Bird would have the audacity to turn down an appeal from him. In a fit of rage and being just plain awesome, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked Bird in the face and sent him 3 months into the future. Thus hastening Bird's retirement. Chucking is now very much frowned upon by the ICC. Thus they choose to ignore flagrant chucking from Glenn Mr T. and Bruce Lee.

Doosra
A dish of lentils, chapati and rice, often served with chips and a side order of turn the over way chutney. The Doosra is usually thrown together at about 80mp/h by a Indian chef with wide eyes, a big smile, and he flaps his arms like wings over his shoulder when he runs out to deliver it.

Duck
Occasionally introduced into play by either umpires or players in the case that levels of boredom are in danger of causing catatonia. A variety of terms (golden duck, duck with sweet and sour sauce, etc.) exist to describe the various humourous consequences of its introduction. Essentially, the more valuable and rare the material, the more the duck's fate posessed of unlikeliness, unluckiness, and body count.

The removal of the duck from play by way of accidental ingestion by a sleeping fielder, for example, would be considered an Ivory Duck.

Flipper
A special delivery created by Warney when he pulled one out of his pants, made it skid along the pitch and completely bamboozle the opposition.

Googly

Search engine used to find information on Crickety.

Also a condition of a cameraman's eys after getting smacked in the head by one of Gilchrist's boundaries. (Didnt see any of them over the summer)

Half Century
Amount of time which typicaly passes between Australians admitting they deserved to lose that game. Also the length of time elapsed in a completed One-Day International.

Home Run
A "run" is when a batsmen has pocket kings and uses them to hit four aces in order to shoot a seven under par slam dunk, a "home run" however is when the batsman converts the post run "try", for six points.

LBW
Large Beutiful Woman, one catagory smaller than a BBW. These are generally found at Twenty20Twenty20Twenty matches and Shane Warnes house

Maiden
A female virgin. There are no Maidens in Australia no doubt thanks to the impressive efforts of Shane Warne & David Boon; Boony took care of the Tassie sheilas, Warne the rest.

Night Watchman
The easiest and highest-paid job in cricket. Or it was, until one Jason "now officially better than Boonie and Steve Waugh" Gillespie came along and ruined it for everyone.

Opening Bat
Bat with a small doored compartment for stooring an Australian batsman's beer.

No Ball
This is where once everyone is ready to play it is realised nobody remembered to bring a ball. in such an instance the least favorite player must sacrifice his bladder which is made into a ball by the home captains mother while the other players retire to the pavillion for a cup of tea.

Pavilion
A large shopping centre located in the main stand at most cricket stadiums.

Over
When the game is finished, after a century.

If a bowler bowls a maiden over, he is banned from international cricket for up to two years, as the umpire will not allow such shocking treatment towards female fans, and the Aussie Postal Service has a strong union. Sending her obscene texts, however, is quite ok.

Sight Screen
Test Umpires must undergo to screen out those with sight, those that are found to have no sight become umpires those that can see are forced into becomming the much called upon (since he is the only umpire with full vision) 3rd umpire.

Sledging
Part of Australian culture and tradition where the fielders go on ranting some mantras in a peculiar dialect until the batsman gets bored and gets out.

Stump
The remaining part of the limb to which a pirate's Square Leg is attached.

Leg Stump
Self explanitary

Off Stump
A wooden leg which has fallen off is said to be 'Off Stump'.

Middle
Only Jake the Peg has one of these, along with blokes who have a very long penis.

Teesra

A bowler who is intent on teasing the batsman until he goes mental and attacks the bowler, being given out for aggressive intent.

Test
Something that cricketers always failed at school, forcing them to become cricketers.

The Wrong-un
When a bowler makes a mistake and the ball that comes out of his hand hits the umpire in the nads.

Umpire
Scholars have determined that the word "Umpire" comes from the Latin terms, "Um" and "Pire," "Um" being to hesitate and "Pire" being a stake upon which people are burnt. The Latin word "Umpire," then, literally means "A hesitant burning stake." An umpire (Homo unsapiens cieca) is a creature of the night that lacks the power of vision, officiates at baseball and cricket games, and feeds on human blood.

Wide Ball
In the event of a no-ball, a football may be used in place of the usual cricket ball.

A term now banished from all cricket alamanacs and match records of the past 157 years (except for this one) and now replaced with the term The Artist Formerly Known As Prince, since the Great Woollongabba Massacre of 1251.

Cricketing Nations

Australia

A small but highly established colony. Which quickly overtook the UK in all known facts of society, culture and sporting prowess... not to mention getting ******.

Undisputably the strongest team since the existance of balls or any ball playing sport. Recorded by world famous historian Richie Benaud, whose rotting corpse now hangs in the Louve on loan from David Boon.

Australia's only low moment came in 1387 (at 5:53pm) when Trevor Chappell, under orders from his captain and brother Greg, bowled underarm on the last ball to prevent New Zealand from scoring the runs that could have drawn the match.(New Zealand needed a six).

They are the worst losers in history, possibly due to complete lack of experience at losing. Will drink beer after every defeat and every win for that matter.

Bangladesh
New whipping boys of test cricket, taking over the mantle from England. Once evey forty four tests under the laws of cricket the Bangladeshis are allowed to score a run but only against the Australians who will blame the conceding of this run on their players burning to death. These claims were rebuked by Geoffrey "Boycs" Boycott who said "It weren't that bloody 'ot. You can't burn in 145 degrees centigrade. Me gran could bat all week in this, scoring a double ton wit a golf club"

England
The originators of the whinging. A miserable, noisy (barmy Army)lot who live of the coast of main Europe from where the dirtiest most stupid people are that invented the game and never actually learnt to play. POMS Pretty Obvious they are Mentally Spasticated

India
The sports-forsaken land of billion schmucks can play only one game in the world. They are the driving force due to which the sports is still played and Australians get ad employment. The Indian batsmen are revered as gods by the ordinary Indian public, who worship the ground that Tendulkar et al. walks on.

Sri Lanka
The only team in Test cricket which enters each game with just one player. They invariably lose, although tend to outclass every member of the England squad whenever they play them.

Personalities

Shahid Afridi
The weapon of mass destruction held by Pakistan's Terrorists. The butcher of Indian lambs & cricket pitches with his spikes.With an IQ less than Homer Simpson,He is the undisputed king of slogger's.

Geoff Boycott's Grandmother
One of the true legends of the game, Geoff Boycott's Grandmother scored over 100 centuries, took over 500 wickets and 500 catches in her Test career, spanning more than 25 years. Made over 70,000 runs in her first class career, despite the obvious disadvantage of having to utilise a stick of rhubarb as a batting implement.

Jason Byrne
A stereotypical Australian Cricket Supporter whose poor convict education leads him to believe Australia is the centre of the Earth and it is the best cricketing country and all its threats such as Muttiah Muralitharan and Harbajan Singh are cheats. Git Jebediblah

Muttiah Muralitharan
A guy with a reeeeaaaalllllyyy long name from Smallville that bowls off-spinners He has kind of a problem with his elbow, it is a little bit bent. He is a freak with a spazzy dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooosra. It was illegal but now it is not.

Sachin Tendulkar
The alien from Mars who uses his psycho powers to turn ad contracts worth crores to his direction and who's the messiah of Indian masses.

Michael Vaughan
A doosh bag throughout the world. The Duke of Testicular cancer(with an unwitting disposition to be smug with his "genitals", as would explain his title), he was born on 30th March 2004, generally thought to be the most significant turd. He was first caught playing cricket in the Physics lab at his school at Ye Olde Trafforde and duly expelled, thus forcing him into the Test squad. With a batting average of 1.749225421333 and a bowling average of 0 (bowls like australian player - cant throw cant bowl), he is considered an average player these days, but inspired critics throughout england by the 17 hour bender of whining that he was not big enough to play the Super Bowl.

Shane Warne

Horny Warnie is a strange Australian man known for his amazing spinning leg. He sometimes operates under the pseudonym Shane Keith Warne.

He is known for wearing all white clothing, which is sometimes grass-stained. On his head he wears a big floppy hat, except in the mornings when he wears a funny green cap. After spinning his leg, he often is found to be appealing, especially when he gets his flipper out. He is in charge of ball cleaning in the Australian side, which also leads to him staining his clothing. he has claimed that he has stoped smokin but he obviously stil does plus he molesters women! ask any australian and they will say the same warnie is horny!

Horny Warnie is a strange Australian man known for his amazing spinning leg. He sometimes operates under the pseudonym Shane Keith Warne.

He is known for wearing all white clothing, which is sometimes grass-stained. On his head he wears a big floppy hat, except in the mornings when he wears a funny green cap. After spinning his leg, he often is found to be appealing, especially when he gets his flipper out. He is in charge of ball cleaning in the Australian side, which also leads to him staining his clothing.

His favourites drugs include doughnuts, gamma-butyrlactone, nicotine, alcohol and Moduretic. The last, an anti-diuretic substance that he took in 2001 to keep his ginormous man boobs down got him into trouble when some guy called Dick Pound stopped from playing with the other boys.

His other favourite drug is blondes and and has frequently appeared in British tabloid newspapers, espousing the use of blondes in net practice. He is also known for "the ball of the century" in which Mike Gatting got his pole ripped out.

Shane Warne, often known as Shane 'Arrogant' Warne has employed a man to constantly remind him of his dashing good looks and ability, he is called Adam Gilchrist. Shane and Adam are often seen playing with each other, the main game is where Shane gets Adam to catch his stray balls. Every time Shane drives one into Adam you will hear him cry "Nice one Shane". Cleverly abbreviated to "Ohhhh nice Shane!" late in the day, or when in need of encouragement, "Come on Warney!", which is then followed by several more shouts of the first two phrases, every f*o*c*king ball bowled. It is alleged by some cricket pundits that Adam Gilchrist actually shouts "Nice bum Shane", perhaps the third umpire could review video footage to confirm. Shane often appeals against any possible negative decision though appealing is the last word that should be used to describe this full ball tosser.
Shane Warne embraces Adam Gilchrist. To this day we are still not sure what Gilchrist is doing to Warne.
Enlarge
Shane Warne embraces Adam Gilchrist. To this day we are still not sure what Gilchrist is doing to Warne.

Occasionally Shane gets p*i*s*s*e*d at Adam for being the Vice Captain and having a love affair with Ricky Ponting, the Captain, so he goes out and sleeps with his "other favourite drug", the blondes. It is rumoured that Ricky Ponting dresses up as a blonde to get some action with Andrew Strauss when he goes on these benders. This results in a hideous love triangle which makes everyone feel sick.

After such benders Shane goes back to Adam with a sad face and some Recto-Lube: The Brand You Love. Meanwhile some random blonde goes and cries to the tabloids cause she's a brit and Brits have nothing better to do. Other than read about Shane and his adventure with random blondes in tabloids of course. but he can't help it hes a MAN he f*** anything that moves, and whats she complaining about aussies are 12 times bigger than brits

"WARNEY! WARNEY! WARNEY! I Love him! I wanna boof him! Get 'im up here!"

~ Bill Lawry on Shane Warne

Other Australians

There are several problems with Australians when playing cricket. To start with, they spend all their time looking for music videos on the internet. Fraser Sands (Fraz the Spaz) is one such person. Slipknot, Marylin Manson and Dark Funeral to name just a few. A smoking incedent has left him unable to use one arm, and he still continues on his quest to become English. Ricky Ponting (Captain of the Ashes Loosers), has a problem with small children, and has been banned from cricket for 2000 years.He is also known for his bimboish ways and he is still trying to become an emo. All his "friends" actually hate him and he thinks that he goes out with hot girls. Gag, barf. MUNTERS cough, cough, sneeze, sneeze!

Don't tell me you read 10 pages in 1 minute????

LOL havent read it all but its

wow that is hilarious!!!

Good one!!

They missed out the term

Waqar'd - Sore toe

Good one!