Domestic Violence

[PakCrikNeedsFixin]

This is going to sound like a rant but I need to get things off my chest

Today, my mum was walking to her friend's house and someone grabbed her shoulder. My mum turned around to find a young Pakistani girl (mid 20s) who asked if she can use my mums phone she needs to call Pakistan. As soon as she said this she burst into tears and my mum got worried. My mum told the women that she doesn't have her phone and that she should come to our house and call. All the way the girl was crying.

They got here and I was studying. Suddenly I hear a women crying and my mum grabs her phone and gives it too her. We find out over time that her husband has been beating her and today she retaliated and ripped his shirt in self defence and there and then he divorced her 3 times, kicked her out the house and snapped her phone. She was literally inconsolable. Her family have said that he is blaming her and that she has ripped his shirt and what not. She explained how this wasn't the first time it had happened and she had bruises to show for it. Shes only been married 9 months and in this country for only 1 month. She didn't know where she was when she met my mother neither her own address. She says she's hardly been out the house in a month. She has no family here either apart from her Dad's cousin who has just picked her up from here.

My question is why do we, especially people from the sub-continent, treat women as objects. Domestic violence is so common in our people. Wife beating is seen as some kind of masculine trait we don't respect our women enough be they our wives, mothers or sisters. I've heard nothing but tears for 4 hours straight and am really upset about what's happened to this women and it got me thinking about many others who are like her.

Rant over.

[ZenBowman]

Sad story, this is far too common, not just among subcontinentals, but among every race/region.

[SIMBA]

Because asian men who raise their hands on females are cowards.

I will right a full response tommorow on the subject due to time constraints.

[KingKhanWC]

Sad story and yes it is common but not just in Asian families but around the world.

I really feel sorry for girls who have left their families in Pakistan and come to the UK only to be abused by their husbands.

If you can pass on this info it may help.

Newham Asian Women’s Project

NAWP provides emergency accommodation and housing support services to South Asian women and their children fleeing domestic violence. It also offers counselling services and rights-based advice.

* Helpline: 08453 131 868
* Website: www.nawp.org/

[Geordie Ahmed]

This isnt restricted to people from the sub-continent, it happens in the western communities too - the major difference perhaps being that the sub-continental community does not think it is such a big deal

Sadly there are far too many cases of domestic violence - people that resort to such things are quite simply cowards, god knows what makes them resort to such things. The best one could hope for is to increase the support for women that find themselves in such a terrible situation as I am not sure if education on this matter works

[PakCrikNeedsFixin]

Originally Posted by KingKhanWC If you can pass on this info it may help.

Thanks for info bro.

She's left from ours and gone with her uncle. He was going to take her to the husband's place where he said they'd discuss everything.

I know domestic violence doesn't just occur with people from the sub-continent. But it happens more with sub-continent people imo

[Britstani]

Originally Posted by KingKhanWC Sad story and yes it is common but not just in Asian families but around the world. I really feel sorry for girls who have left their families in Pakistan and come to the UK only to be abused by their husbands. If you can pass on this info it may help. Newham Asian Women’s Project NAWP provides emergency accommodation and housing support services to South Asian women and their children fleeing domestic violence. It also offers counselling services and rights-based advice. * Helpline: 08453 131 868 * Website: www.nawp.org/

Im afraid that poor girl is not alone...shes one of many who suffer the same but in silence, yet most arnt strong enough as she was to react. If hes divorced her then its the best thing that could of happend to her!! Its a blessing!

Also this website is very good...not for the faint hearted or easily offended!

www.pakmarriages.com

[KingKhanWC]

Originally Posted by PakCrikNeedsFixin Thanks for info bro. She's left from ours and gone with her uncle. He was going to take her to the husband's place where he said they'd discuss everything. I know domestic violence doesn't just occur with people from the sub-continent. But it happens more with sub-continent people imo

You're welcome.

There is a girl who lived closed to me who recently committed suicide because of the abuse she got from her husband and in-laws. It's not just the husband who can be horrid but is usually supported or encouraged by his mother/father or both.

imo Any man who beats the weaker sex is a coward and not likely to change his spots so although I don't know her family I would find it hard to believe after they discuss this it won't happen again. It may be an option for you to report this to the authorties. It may destroy her marriage but it could also save her life, we just don't know what will happen again and usually the abuse gets worse rather than less violent but it's up to you.

You may be right Asian families have more cases of domestic abuse but there are no facts to suggest this is true. The problem is women/girls in other cultures usually have it more easier to get away from such abuse while Asian females find it more difficult to get away and are always willing to give another chance.

[UP]

If I was you, I would have called police.

[Fireworks11]

Sad. This is why marriage is a gamble.

[kkmix]

sad story, I really feel bad for girls who leave everything behind just to be treated badly by their husbands.

[Poison]

Probably should've spent more time in the kitchen.








I'M LOLJKING BTW

This is a sad story, but please avoid making crass generalisations regarding 'us'. There are idiots in every race; recent studies show that in Australia at least, domestic violence is the most prevalent amongst native Australians rather than any other ethnic division in society.

[pakistanbest]

This kind of stuff makes my blood boil and is a sad sight, a lack of educaton as well as heart are the main reasons.

Just wanted to add my personal experiences, yes thier is a big difference between a partner and wife. I've had many times an argument with my ex, some really extreme arguments and yes everyone get's angry, various times during arguing, she has said hit me cause she could see my anger, never have done and never would, arguing and shouting is one thing but violence is just a coward's way, I guess i've been taken over my limit and still not snapped so the best thing to do is be the bigger man and walk away. Looking back, I could have easily been violent to her such was the extreme cases that I was put through but always ensured I never stooped to the level of a coward. I guess on a lighter note, that was good practise for with my wife in the future

However just to add, some men are also prone to domestic violence and I feel are to ashamed to come out and also are neglected. But ladies deserve more and Islam teaches us this however some men think of ladies as objects rather then human's, untill we change this attitude towards the female sector then cases like this will alway's be occuring behind closed doors

OP Respect to your mum for helping out the poor sister, guess some people would walk away and say they would rather not get involved which is quite common. It's a sad story and really hope the girl has an happy ending Insha'Allah

[PakCrikNeedsFixin]

Originally Posted by KingKhanWC You're welcome. There is a girl who lived closed to me who recently committed suicide because of the abuse she got from her husband and in-laws. It's not just the husband who can be horrid but is usually supported or encouraged by his mother/father or both. imo Any man who beats the weaker sex is a coward and not likely to change his spots so although I don't know her family I would find it hard to believe after they discuss this it won't happen again. It may be an option for you to report this to the authorties. It may destroy her marriage but it could also save her life, we just don't know what will happen again and usually the abuse gets worse rather than less violent but it's up to you. You may be right Asian families have more cases of domestic abuse but there are no facts to suggest this is true. The problem is women/girls in other cultures usually have it more easier to get away from such abuse while Asian females find it more difficult to get away and are always willing to give another chance.

KingKhan

This girl did not have any in-laws. She was her husband's 2nd wife. First wife had left him previously so no in-laws were involved. But I know what you mean about abuse from in-laws as my first cousin went through that.

I understand your sentiments about a man not changing his spots and I feel the same way. But the problem is this woman was a complete stranger to us. Her family members came and the rest was up to them. My mum tried to explain to her uncle how they should just take the girl back with them and they should support her (as it seemed they were also inclined towards believing the Husband's side of events). I hope her Uncle took her with him but we don't know what will happen and may not ever know. If she was a relative of ours we would never have taken her back.

[PakCrikNeedsFixin]

Sorry about the generalization that it's more common with people from sub-continent. It was just a heat of the moment comment. I know domestic violence is common in all societies.

[PakCrikNeedsFixin]

Originally Posted by pakistanbest OP Respect to your mum for helping out the poor sister, guess some people would walk away and say they would rather not get involved which is quite common.

Thanks. TBH I've been one of those people. A couple years back I went to eat at Tayyabs in East London and me and my friends witnessed a husband being abusive to his wife. He had her up against the wall and was shouting at her. She couldn't speak English. I asked my friends should we say anything and they all said that it's none of our business they can sort it out. Then later when we sat down to eat, one of my friend's realised we'd made a mistake and should have stepped in. I look back at that incident with so much guilt if only I had been more brave.

[pakistanbest]

Originally Posted by PakCrikNeedsFixin Thanks. TBH I've been one of those people. A couple years back I went to eat at Tayyabs in East London and me and my friends witnessed a husband being abusive to his wife. He had her up against the wall and was shouting at her. She couldn't speak English. I asked my friends should we say anything and they all said that it's none of our business they can sort it out. Then later when we sat down to eat, one of my friend's realised we'd made a mistake and should have stepped in. I look back at that incident with so much guilt if only I had been more brave.

In a situation like you have mentioned, you only have a few moments to makes a decision, you done what you thought was best, no point beating yourself up over it. You learn from your mistakes and I guess even if you had stepped in, would it have made much difference for when they got home, not really. When it comes to strangers, we alway look to help and support them but I guess we are restricted as their as purely strangers. Having said that, every situation is different and has difference solutions.

[Prince_Pathan]

can a man who beats up a woman really be called a man?

i mean considering a woman brought him into this world?

seriously shocking stuff...not uncommon

[PakPrince]

Originally Posted by fireworks11 Sad. This is why marriage is a gamble.

not if you choose and know the person you're marrying!

[Fireworks11]

Originally Posted by PakPrince not if you choose and know the person you're marrying!

Still! You can never be too sure, best to pray for the best.

[KingKhanWC]

Originally Posted by PakCrikNeedsFixin KingKhan This girl did not have any in-laws. She was her husband's 2nd wife. First wife had left him previously so no in-laws were involved. But I know what you mean about abuse from in-laws as my first cousin went through that. I understand your sentiments about a man not changing his spots and I feel the same way. But the problem is this woman was a complete stranger to us. Her family members came and the rest was up to them. My mum tried to explain to her uncle how they should just take the girl back with them and they should support her (as it seemed they were also inclined towards believing the Husband's side of events). I hope her Uncle took her with him but we don't know what will happen and may not ever know. If she was a relative of ours we would never have taken her back.

I wonder why his first wife left him?

You have done your best and there is only so much an outsider can do I suppose.

A couple years back I went to eat at Tayyabs in East London and me and my friends witnessed a husband being abusive to his wife. He had her up against the wall and was shouting at her. She couldn't speak English. I asked my friends should we say anything and they all said that it's none of our business they can sort it out. Then later when we sat down to eat, one of my friend's realised we'd made a mistake and should have stepped in. I look back at that incident with so much guilt if only I had been more brave.

This kind of situation is a moral dilemma. It may sound silly since when you see abuse you should try and stop it but we live in a very strange world today. Some couples subconsciously enjoy fighting and then making up, sometimes it's the female who becomes physical first. I used to work with this chap you came in one day bruised up, when I asked him what happened he told me he tried to stop a drunken fight between a guy and his girlfriend but they both ended up beating him up.

Personally I would try to stop abuse if I felt the situation was serious but if not then at worst call the authorities and forget about it.

[ElRaja]

i dont think its limited to asians, desis, ive seen this happen in many cultures. i saw a guy in a car, punch a girl in the face, dont know if she was his wife or not, still not on though.

it tends to be some kind of mental problem bought on by an inferiority complex in the man i think, violence is usually used to prove superiority and control.

I know there are cultural obligations for women in asian society, but i put some blame on the women too who tolerate such behaviour, by not sounding their voice they only enable such behaviour.

[Maula Jutt]

If anyone ever comes across a woman being a victim of domestic violence in the west, there is only one thing to do. REPORT IT TO THE POLICE.

Her relatives or family won't be able to help her. If they were, she wouldn't be encountering this problem in the first place. Because if she had faith in her relatives, she would have told them about it already. And since she is still getting victimized, it means either her family/relatives don't have the power to stop it, or they don't believe in her version, or they think beating the cr@p out of the woman is normal and even a husband's right.

This is why it needs to be reported to the police. In the west, the danda of the police has a very special way of straightening out husbands, mothers-in-law, fathers-in-law, sisters-in-law, abusive parents, you name it.

Utilize the police if you really want to help the woman. It is not just the right thing to do, it is also your duty to report it.