The Tebbit Test Failed

[KB]

http://sport.guardian.co.uk/columnis...653015,00.html

Umpires and earthquakes make me fail Tebbit's test

Frank Keating
Tuesday November 29, 2005
The Guardian

Think of me this morning, in front of the cricket and happily flunking that barmy Tebbit test. I am rooting for Pakistan to settle the series with a joyous victory at Lahore. If so, in boxing's simplistic terms anyway, all Pakistan will hail themselves as world champions - "England beat top-dog Australians, ergo if we beat England we claim the title". Cue a national holiday and celebrations with a raucous passion.

Pakistan deserves nothing less. It will cheer a country beset by international turmoils, not least a savagely ghastly earthquake and its ongoing dolours. A famous cricket triumph will at least provide a shaft of spiritual relief, rapture and national pride. If the rest of the world are, by all accounts, hedging and bilking on previously pledged disaster aid, then the least Michael Vaughan's England team can do is donate a couple more batting collapses this week. They are practised enough at them.

Another reason I shall be on first-over parade with Sky's commentators is that it seems to me that in the two Tests so far Pakistan have been generally ill served by the rub of the green, particularly when that rub has been intemperately picked at by the umpire Darrell Hair, that spot-on impersonator of Sergeant Ernie Bilko's vengefully exasperated commanding officer at Fort Baxter, Colonel Hall. Not that Col Hall was such a nit-picking one-eyed showboater as the Aussie one-man judge and jury.

He has previous, has Col Hair, when it comes to the subcontinent. Allowing the run out of Inzamam-ul-Haq at Faisalabad was a dereliction of duty by Hair - as it was, to my mind, for Vaughan not to withdraw England's appeal on the spot. Shame, too, on coach Duncan Fletcher for so demeaningly applauding the act itself all of three days later. Hair is standing again at Lahore. C'mon you Ps!

[fair_play]

Brilliant isnt it?

Where are Billy and David, Danny and Richie, and all others of their ilk, now?

[Waseem]

Wow, finally someone observes the obvious.

Well done for speaking out Mr Keating.

Hopefully it will encourage others to come out as well and stop this non sense for good.

Wrong LBW decisions are sometimes understandable because umpires don't get to see replays but Hair's stance on Inzi's runout, warnings to Kaneria, Salman Butt etc for running on the pitch, not referring Bell's catch, Collingwood's caught behind off Akhtar are not ONLY bad decisions, there is definitely something more than that.

[Oxy]

...quite a surprising article! Could it be his last???

[Daoud]

Good on him for that. Hes a brave man for voicing his opinion the way he did. Would be very interesting to see the response of the readers though

[Monsee]

Niceeee

At least one fair Englishman has been located who has the balls to 'Call as he sees it'...now the search for the next one continues

[Baron]

Im quite pleasantly surprised by such a fair article. Have to say, this series has given me more tension than the India one, by far. It seems that Pakistan is not only battling against one of the top sides in the world but also against biased umpiring and media. If inshallah they do come away with a series victory then ive got to hail this as one of the all time best wins for us.

[shahzadddd]

He's probably Irish and Ronan's younger brother.

[Hash]

Half-time Whistle: An Autobiography
Frank Keating / -

Publication details: Warner Books, 1994, Re-issue, Soft Cover

Condition grading: Very Good / -
Detailed description:
Crisp, clean, bright and tight. 368pp. Frank Keating is known for the humour & observation of his award-winning sports contributions to various newspapers. His autobiography evokes a rural childhood in the almost-vanished England of Herefordshire & Gloucestershire; tells raucous tales of the provincial pageant of local journalism; & recounts a crazy decade with ITV, before his love of sport brought him to his "Guardian" column. Shortlisted for the 1992 William Hill Sports Book of the Year Award. Incorporates appraisals of giants of the sports field (Botham and Best) and the press-box (Arlott and Cardus).



He is English, actually.

[Amoeba]

Not that surprising - The Guardian is a left-wing paper. Simon Barnes also famously is a big Pakistani fan. On the Mike Gatting - Shakoor Rana affair he said:-

"By open dissent, and by implicit support of open dissent from captain and tour management, England abandoned the principles of fair play they claimed they were defending. In effect, they said that if a Pakistani refuses to walk, he is a cheat; when an Englishman refuses to walk, it is because the umpire is a cheat. In the immortal words of Mike Gatting: 'One rule for them, one for us.' Simon Barnes in The Times

I wonder what the World's reaction would be if Inzy started pointing fingers at Hair? Would the PCB award the players a hardship allowance?

[shahzadddd]

Originally Posted by shahzadddd He's probably Irish and Ronan's younger brother.

To the paindus who missed the joke(e.g Hash) .... his surname's Keating, like Ronan Keating , an Irish singer.

[Monsee]

Originally Posted by Amoeba I wonder what the World's reaction would be if Inzy started pointing fingers at Hair? Would the PCB award the players a hardship allowance?

Knowing the Idiots they are, PCB will probably send Inzi and all others to Iraq or Afghanistan on a paid vacation...as a reward

[Hash]

Originally Posted by shahzadddd To the paindus who missed the joke(e.g Hash) .... his surname's Keating, like Ronan Keating , an Irish singer.

oh, hilarious

[Amoeba]

Originally Posted by Monsee Knowing the Idiots they are, PCB will probably send Inzi and all others to Iraq or Afghanistan on a paid vacation...as a reward

Only the PCB would allow the umpires to get away with such awful decisions in their backyard. Any other body would have started to make polite noises in the media and the upper echelons of the ICC. We're just so happy that the ***** have come to Pakistan, (perceived to be a terrorist state, where there is nothing to do, and suffering from the ravages of an earthquake) that we bend over backwards for them.

I wouldn't be surprised if in fact we paid the ECB a hardship allowance for permitting their players to grace our country with their presence!

[Monsee]

Originally Posted by Amoeba Only the PCB would allow the umpires to get away with such awful decisions in their backyard. Any other body would have started to make polite noises in the media and the upper echelons of the ICC. We're just so happy that the ***** have come to Pakistan, (perceived to be a terrorist state, where there is nothing to do, and suffering from the ravages of an earthquake) that we bend over backwards for them. I wouldn't be surprised if in fact we paid the ECB a hardship allowance for permitting their players to grace our country with their presence!

I am sure if it was the Indian team on the receiving end...by now, Rudi and Hair would be on the next launch of Shuttle Discovery to some distant and unknown Universe'

I salute BCCI for making all the noise and standing behind their players, even when the players were rightly punished (several cases come to mind)

[Gasherbrum]

nice article, deserves a bumpty dumpty.