Funny Jokes Thread

[UmarAkmals-fan]

Teacher: Tum late kiyoon aaye ho?

Student: Ammi abbu larh rahe thay.

Teacher: Woh larh rahe thay to tum kiyoon late aaye?

Student: Mera ek shoes ammi ke pass tha ek abbu ke pass..

[velu]

HUM HINDUSTANI

Gujju (Gujarati)

One Gujarati = a share-broker in a Bombay train.
Two Gujaratis = rummy game in a Bombay train.
Three Gujjus = Bombay's noisiest restaurant.
Four Gujjus = stock market scam.

Bengali

One Bengali = poet.
Two Bengalis = a film society.
Three Bengalis = political party.
Four Bengalis = two political parties.

Bihari

One Bihari = Laloo Prasad Yadav.
Two Biharis = booth-capturing squad.
Three Biharis = caste killing.
Four Biharis = entire literate population of Patna.

Punjabi

One Punjabi =100 kg hulk named Pinky.
Two Punjabis = Pinky with his bigger brother Twinky.
Three Punjabis = assault on the McAloo Tikkis at the local McDonalds.
Four Punjabis = combined IQ equal to one.

Mallu

One Mallu = coconut stall.
Two Mallus = a boat race.
Three Mallus = Gulf job racket.
Four Mallus = oil slick.


UP Bhaiyya

One UP bhaiyya = a milkman.
Two UP bhaiyyas = halwai shop.
Three UP bhaiyyas = a fist-fight in the UP assembly.
Four UP bhaiyyas = mosque-destruction squad.


Andhraite

One Andhraite = chilli farmer.
Two Andhraites = software company in New Jersey.
Three Andhraites = Naxalite outfit.
Four Andhraites = song-and-dance number in a Telugu movie.


Kashmiri

One Kashmiri = carpet salesman.
Two Kashmiris = carpet factory.
Three Kashmiris = terrorist outfit.
Four Kashmiris = shoot-at-sight order.

Tam-Brahm

One Tam-Brahm = priest at the Vardarajaperumal temple.
Two Tam-Brahms = maths tuition class.
Three Tam-Brahms = queue outside the U.S consulate at 4 a.m.
Four Tam-Brahms = Thyagaraja music festival in Santa Clara

Bombayite

One Bombayite = footpath vada-pav stall.
Two Bombayites = film studio.
Three Bombayites = slum
Four Bombayites = the number of people standing on your foot in the train
at rush hour

Sindhi

One Sindhi = currency racket.
Two Sindhis = papad factory.
Three Sindhis = duplicate goods shop in Ulhasnagar.
Four Sindhis = Hong Kong Retail Traders Association.

Marwari

One Marwari = the neighbourhood foodstuffs adulterator.
Two Marwaris = 50% of Calcutta.
Three Marwaris = finish off all Gujaratis & Sindhis.
Four Marwaris = threaten the Jews as a community.

[velu]

A Patel walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks andneeds to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked ut very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Patel replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"

[UmarAkmals-fan]

Boy on a date with GF in BMW :- jaan main tumse ek baat kahna chahta hoon?
.
GF:-Kya?
.
BF:-Iam already married.
.
GF:-Apne to mujhe dara he diya, main samjhi BMW aapki nahi hai

[UmarAkmals-fan]

According to Research-

A MAN is declared Dead when his HEART stops BEATING
And
.
... .
.
.
.
A WOMAN, when her TONGUE stops MOVING

[UmarAkmals-fan]

Santa: Kal Raat 3
Ghanta 1 Film
Dekha.
Na Koi Photo Tha
Aur Na Hi Koi
... Aawaj..-(
Banta: Film Ka Naam
Kya Tha.?
Santa: NO DISK
INSERTED

[USIND]

Good ones Velu, UA-F...these are funny.lol

[velu]

@UAF .

r u in Hong Kong Retail Traders Association??

[UmarAkmals-fan]

Originally Posted by velu @UAF . r u in Hong Kong Retail Traders Association??

lol

[velu]

Arab student sends an e-mail to his Dad saying:

Dear Dad,
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but
Dad,
I am bit ashamed to arrive to my college with my Gold Mercedes, when
all my Teachers travel by train.

Your Son
Nasser

Sometime later Nasser gets reply to his e-mail from his Dad:
Loving son,
Twenty Million Dollars transferred to your account, please stop
embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too.

Your Dad
.

[DHONI183]

UmarAkmals-fan is awesome!!!

[UmarAkmals-fan]

USA Country Daughter

Dad . I got married yestrday

i forget to inform u ..
.

.
..
.
.Dady . It's ok
my child.. But next time u should invite me

[UmarAkmals-fan]

Originally Posted by DHONI183 UmarAkmals-fan is awesome!!!

thanks bro

[UmarAkmals-fan]

1 admi PATHAN KO MAR RAHA tha
Logo ne pocha k Q mar rahe ho?
wo bola; Sala 1 ghantay se puch raha hi k
14 august ki namaz kahan hoti hai;

[UmarAkmals-fan]

The animals of a jungle have decided to hold a meeting. The lion has come, the tiger has come, the elephant has come, the monkey has come.. But The meeting hasn’t started. Guess why?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

















.
Because the Donkey is busy reading this!

[UmarAkmals-fan]

Teacher to Pathan saal me kitne din hote hain ?
Pathan : 182.5
Teacher woh kaise ?
Pathan : 182.5 din aur 182.5 raat .
.
Teacher shocked ..!! Pathan Rocked

[UmarAkmals-fan]

They Say:

"Many Many People Die Because Of Alcohol"..

Perhaps They Never Realised:

How Many Of Them Are Born Bcoz Of It

[velu]

Originally Posted by UmarAkmals-fan They Say: "Many Many People Die Because Of Alcohol".. Perhaps They Never Realised: How Many Of Them Are Born Bcoz Of It

A seventh grade Biology teacher arranged a demonstration for his class.
He took two earth worms and in front of the class he did the following:
He dropped the first worm into a beaker of water where it dropped to the
bottom and wriggled about. He dropped the second worm into a beaker of Ethyl
alchohol and it immediately shriveled up and died. He asked the class if
anyone knew what this demonstration was intended to show them.

A boy in the second row immediately shot his arm up and, when called on said:
"You're showing us that if you drink alcohol, you won't have worms."

[Looney]

HINDU Ja Raha Tha Pathan Se Takkar Ho Gai..

HINDU: Main Shama Chahata Hun!

Pathan :Shama Ko Main Bhi Chahta Hun Lekin Uska Baap Nahi Maanta.:-D

[Looney]

Teacher : Beta , aap ke waalid ka naam kia hai

Pathan student : Google Khan

Teacher : Google Khan ?

Pathan student : Haan , hum jahaN bhi ho hamara waalid hum ko dhoond leta hai

[hafeezrocks]

Why was a Pathan kid throwing butter slices out of the window?

Because he wanted to see " Butterfly "

[hafeezrocks]

Sardar : Chal oye Khan , Race Lagatay hai. Jo hara wo jeetnay waale ko 50 rupee dega.

Pathan : Par humey to rastaa malum nahien.

Sardar : Tu bus mere peeche peeche aana

Pathan : Thanks Yaara.

[hafeezrocks]

Pathan to Shopkeeper : Oye , jara ek naya toothbrush dena . Mere tootbrush ka ek daant toot gaya hai.

Shopkeeper : Arey ek daant toot gaya to usme poora toothbrush lene ki kya jarurat hai?

Pathan : Khochey jo daant toota woh aakhiri daant tha

[Looney]

Father to Son: Agar es bar tu fail hua to mujhe
apna baaf mat kehna.
Next Day:
Father: kiya bana result ka?
Son: Bas "Bashir Bhai" mat pocho.
______________________

Sara:
Chaudhary sab ise Punjabi mei translate kr dein
Go,Went,Gone

Chaudhary:
O gya , O nass gya, O pharo edhi pen nu…

___________________

Ek memon ki shadi men bryani ki jageh pani
zyada dia jaraha tha , ek aadmi ne kaha
bhai sahab thori si bryani milegi ?
pani gale men atak gaya hai.........

___________________

Titanic K Sath Memon Bhi Doob Raha Tha
Aur Hans Bhi Raha Tha
Dost:
Oye Hans Kyun Raha Hai?
Memon:
Shukar Hai Main Ne Return Ticket Nahi Khareeda

_____________________

Cham,
Cham,
Cham,
Aathane ki chaliya
Aathane ka paan
Chal mere ghoray PAKISTAN
PAKISTAN mai hukumat bani
Benazir uski leader bani
Benazir ko goli lagi
Bakhtawar ronay lagi
Rotay rotay bhook lagi
Khalay bilawal mongphali
Mongphali mai dana nai
Zardari kisi ka nana nai
PAKISTANI ache
ALTAF bhai sachey
Sachey sachey jain gain
Sheikh rasheed ki dhulhan layengay
Condoleza kali
So nakhron wali
Ek joota chout gaya
Bush ka moun toot gaya...

[W63L35]

Pappu....

[Looney]

lol pappu bari double meaning wali baat karta hai



shararti

[kingusama92]

Professor: Where was the declaration of independence signed?

Student: At the bottom of the page, sir.

[velu]

Doctor: This medicine is for insomnia, this one is for nervous break-down, and also take this one for depression.
Patient: Thank you very much, doctor, but do you have any other medicine besides vodka?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One farmer asks another:
- How come your cow gives 100 liters a day?
- You should be kind and tender with your cow. In the morning I come to my cow and ask her: "What do we have for today: milk or beef?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[velu]

An old Jew complains to doctor that he can hardly hear be his left ear. After examination the doctor says:
- There is nothing I can do. It's because of the old age.
- Why, is my left ear older than the right one?


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

- Are you gynecologist?
- No, but I can take a look...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Son to father:
- Daddy, why did you marry mommy?
Husband to wife:
- You see, even our kid is surprised!

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When a woman says she has nothing to wear, she means she has nothing NEW to put on. When a man says he has nothing to wear, he means he has nothing CLEAN to put on.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[velu]

A Jew comes to Rabbi and starts complaining about his life:
- Rabbi, my life is so hard and I'm so tired. What should I do?
- Buy a goat.
- What? I have a wife and seven kids and we all live in a small apartment and there is no possibility to keep a goat there…
- Just follow my advise.
In a week the Jew comes to Rabbi again and starts complaining about his life even more:
- Rabbi, I followed your advice and now my life is much harder than before: the goat stinks and makes more noise than my wife and seven kids! What should I do?
- Sell the goat.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Englishman has a wife and a lover, but loves the wife. Frenchman has a wife and a lover, but loves the lover. Jew has a wife and a lover, but loves his mother. Russian has a wife and a lover, but loves vodka.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Great Britain and France hold the tender for digging the tunnel beneath English Channel.
Americans:
- We will dig the tunnel from 2 sides within 2 years and guarantee the joint accuracy of 15 meters.
Japanese:
- We will dig the tunnel from 2 sides within 1 year and guarantee the joint accuracy of 5 meters.
Russians:
- Well... We also will dig the tunnel from 2 sides within two weeks and don't guarantee any joint accuracy. At worst you will have two tunnels.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young man went to work to police. Everything seems to be ok, except for one thing - he never asked for the salary within tree months of work. When the head of the department asked him why, he said:
- Wow! Didn't know you pay a salary here. I thought, you gave me the gun and the rest is up to me.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Honda crashes into Mercedes. New Russian, the Mercedes owner, gets out of the car, draws a man from Honda and starts beating him. After new Russian got tired, the man from Honda groaned:
- This Honda’s steering wheel... is on the right.

[ManHOOS]

1 punjabi aur 1 pathan ki wife gum ho gai !

punjabi ne pathan se pucha , tumhari wife kaisi dikti ti ?

pathan bola k Gori rangat, Gulaabi hont,

Katrina jaisi height,

Aishwariya jaisi aankein,

Madhuri jaisi chaal,

Shilpa jaise baal,

Saania mirza jaisi fitness

aur app ki ?

Punjabi bola k meri biwi ko maar goli chalo pehle teri biwi donte hain

[UmarAkmals-fan]

A woman was kidnapped.
The kidnapper cut off her finger & sent it 2 her husband and demanded money.

HUSBAND replied:
"I want more proof,
KHOPRI BHEJ KHOPRI

[Square Drive]

1 pathan, 1 americani and 1 arabic sitting in a plane. A jinn comes in the plane and says that throw anything of yours outside. If I manage to get the thing you threw, than I`ll eat you up.

Arabic throws a date (khajoor). The Jinn manages to get the Khajoor, comes back in the plane and eats the Arabic.

American throws wrist watch. Jinn manages to get it, comes back in the plane and eats the American.

Now the Pathan FARTS outside. Jinn doesn`t manage to get it, and Pathan ends up safe.

[Looney]

Originally Posted by UmarAkmals-fan A woman was kidnapped. The kidnapper cut off her finger & sent it 2 her husband and demanded money. HUSBAND replied: "I want more proof, KHOPRI BHEJ KHOPRI

[Square Drive]

BUMP


More funny jokes please...

[kingusama92]

Originally Posted by umarakmals-fan a woman was kidnapped. The kidnapper cut off her finger & sent it 2 her husband and demanded money. Husband replied: "i want more proof, khopri bhej khopri

[Looney]

Do dost film dekhnay gaye . Raastay main paan ki dukan se paan khareed liya , aur aagey peeche beth gaye, beech film main aagey bethay dost nai mushkil main kaha yaar peek jama hogayi hai kia karoo peechey walai ne kaha yaar aglay ki jaib main dalday , tou usne kaha nahi is tarah tou us ko pata chal jaye ga tou peechay walai ne kaha abhi tak tujh ko pata chala ?

[UmarAkmals-fan]

"True Friendship"

Ek lurka Subha Subha Ghar Aya...

BAAP: Raat kahan thay?

BETA: Dair ho gai thi to dost k ghar stay karliya tha.

BAAP ne usi waqt phone uthaya aur us k 10 best frnds ko call ki

6 ne kaha k "Haan uncle wo raat mere paas hi tha
aur
3 ne kaha
"uncle wo so raha hai,Kahein to Utha doon..?

EK ne to hadd kar di

"ji abbu bolein

[Looney]

[UmarAkmals-fan]

Srdarni:
20 Saal Tk Meri Koi Olad Ni Hoi.
2nd Sardarni:
Te Fer Tu Ki Kita ?
1st:
Fer Mai 21 Saal Di Hoi Te Abbey Ne Mera VIYAH Kr Dita

Fer Ja K Kaka Hoya...

[UmarAkmals-fan]

Rajnikant and a girl were playing cards,
rajnikant had 3 ekkas (AAA) but could not win,why?….
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Becoz the girl had 3 Rajnikants…

[velu]

Some Dumbest Celebrity Quotes , because they are funny.

So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year? — Christina Aguilera The internet is a great way to get on the net. - Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate You guys, line up alphabetically by height. - Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach I think war is a dangerous place. - George W. Bush, Washington, D.C. (May 7, 2003) I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father. - Greg Norman, Golfer I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman - Arnold Schwarzenegger Predictions are difficult. Especially about the future. - Yogi Berra, Baseball player My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt. - Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice. And now the sequence of events in no particular order. - Dan Rather, television news anchor The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing. - Dizzy Dean, explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.

[velu]

The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein. - Joe Theisman, quarterback and sports analyst They misunderestimated me. - George W Bush, I don't diet. I just don't eat as much as I'd like to. - Linda Evangelista, Supermodel That's just the tip of the ice cube. - Neil Hamilton, BBC2 I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. - Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas. - Keppel Enderbery, Former Australian cabinet minister We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees. - Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks I've never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like eating fish. And I know that's very popular out there in Africa. — Britney Spears Put the 'off' button on. - George W. Bush, Associated Press, 14th February 2000 If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - George Gobel I'm not anorexic. I'm from Texas. Are there people from Texas that are anorexic? I've never heard of one. And that includes me. — Jessica Simpson

.

[UmarAkmals-fan]

"I already died the day when Rehman malik declared apple as banana"
(Steve Jobs' last words)

[ITGuy]

If Bollywood films were made by Indian IT Engineers then they may be called....

** Munna Bhi MCSA
** Kal MSN Ho Na Ho
** Love in mIRC
** Tere Nick
** ID Mil Gaya
** Chat To Kero
** Ek Programmer Thi
** Yeh Hack Horaha Hai
** Hum Pyar PC Se Kar Baithe
** Network Ke Us Paar
** Meri Disc Tumhare Paas Hai
** Aao Chat Kare
** C Wale Job Le Jayenge
** Programmer No.1
** Mera Naam Developer
** Hum Apke Memory Mein Rahate Hein
** Do Processor, Baarah Terminal
** Tera Code Chal Gaya
** Har Din Jo Mail Karega
** Debugging Koi Khel Nahi
** Jish Desh Mein Bill Gates Rehatha Hai
** Raju Ban Gaya MCSE ..!
** Client Ek Numbari, C Programmer Dus Numbari
** Login Karo Sajana
** Naukar PC Ka
** 1942 -- A Bug Story
** Kaho Na Virus Hai
** Crash Se Crash Tak
** Haan Meine Bhi Debug Kiya Hai
** Shaheed Hacker Singh
** Password De Ke Dekho
** Terminal Apna , Login Parayi
** Mr. Network Lal
** Terminal Sajaake Rakhna
** Hackers Ka Raja, Debuggers Ki Rani
** Kyonki Mein Debug Nahin Kartha
** Phir Theri Java-script Yaad Aayi
** Hang To Hona Hi Tha !!!!!!!!!!!!

[AbdulrazzaqFan]

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or the machine?"

[UmarAkmals-fan]

How a BOY withdraws cash from ATM.

1. Park the car

2. Go to ATM Machine
...
3. Insert card

4. Enter PIN

5. Take money out

6. Take ATM Card out

7. Drive away

How a GIRL withdraws cash from ATM

1. Park the car

2. Check makeup

3. Turn off engine

4. Check makeup

5. Go to ATM

6. Hunt for ATM card in the purse

7. Insert card

8. Hit Cancel

9. Hunt in purse for chit with PIN written on it

10. Insert card

11. Enter PIN

12. Take cash

13. Go to car

14. Check makeup

15. Start car

16. Stop car

17. Run back to ATM

18. Take ATM card

19. Back to car

20. Check makeup

21. Start car

22. Check makeup

23. Drive for 1/2 mile

24. Release handbrake

25. Drive on ..............! LOL

[UmarAkmals-fan]

Wife was sure that her husband was having sex with the maid so she laid a trap.

One evening, she sent the maid home for weekend & didn't tell her husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story,
"Excuse me my dear, my stomach is aching & went to the bathroom."

The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off.

He came in silently, he wasted no time on words but quickly started having sex.

When he finished, wife said, "You didn't expect me in this bed, did you?"
& switched on the light.

No Madam, said the Watchman.

MORAL: Sometimes getting too smart can get you screwed!

[USIND]

Originally Posted by UmarAkmals-fan How a BOY withdraws cash from ATM. 1. Park the car 2. Go to ATM Machine ... 3. Insert card 4. Enter PIN 5. Take money out 6. Take ATM Card out 7. Drive away How a GIRL withdraws cash from ATM 1. Park the car 2. Check makeup 3. Turn off engine 4. Check makeup 5. Go to ATM 6. Hunt for ATM card in the purse 7. Insert card 8. Hit Cancel 9. Hunt in purse for chit with PIN written on it 10. Insert card 11. Enter PIN 12. Take cash 13. Go to car 14. Check makeup 15. Start car 16. Stop car 17. Run back to ATM 18. Take ATM card 19. Back to car 20. Check makeup 21. Start car 22. Check makeup 23. Drive for 1/2 mile 24. Release handbrake 25. Drive on ..............! LOL

Lol A little mean,but good one.

[velu]

@ITGuy .. no movie title as ctrl + alt + del ??

@UAF .. second one is naughty

[UmarAkmals-fan]

Boy: Xcuse me sister

dats my seat

Girl: OK but i m not ur sister.
...
My father never touched ur mom

boy: True, but my father did.

... Moral:

Dont be over smar

[UmarAkmals-fan]

A pathan and an american met on a plane and had a bet that if pathan fails to answer his question he must give 5$ and if american fails he has to give 500$.

American : whts the diff b/w earth nd moon??

Pathan silently gave 5$ to american..
...
Pathan: Which is the animal with 3 legs, goes to the mountain and returns with 4 legs??

American searches for 2 hrs in his laptop and gave 500$ n asks: whts the answer??

Pathan again silently gave 5$

[UmarAkmals-fan]

Newton's law:

A Cow was walking. NEWTON stopped it. It
stopped.

He found his first law,,,
"An object continues to move unless it's
stopped".

He gave a FORCE by kicking the Cow, it gave a
Sound "MA"!

He formulated the 2nd law, F=MA

After sometime the Cow gave a kick to Newton,
then he formulated the 3rd Law.

i.e, 'EVERY ACTION HAS AN EQUAL & OPPOSITE
REACTION'

[Square Drive]

What does automatically mean? Definition: Automatically means a bald lady in an auto (rickshaw).




Auto-mein-takli!

[Square Drive]

AIk shareef aadmi ko aur kya chahiyay hai?


Aik biwi jo uske liye acha khana pakay
Aik biwi jo usko pyaar dai
Aik biwi jo ghar ko achi tareekay se sambhalay...



Aur yeh saari biwiyaan mil kar khushi khushi rahain!!

[velu]

An (Bahraini) Arab was admitted in the Lilavati Hospital at Mumbai for a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood in case need arises.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally. So the call went out to a number of countries. Finally a Gujarati was located who had a similar type of blood.

The Gujarati willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati as appreciation for giving his blood, a new Hummer, diamonds, lapiz lazuri jewellery, and a million US dollars.

Once again the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Gujarati who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati a thank you card and a jar of Almond halwa sweets. The Gujarati was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not reciprocate the Gujarati’s kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not so generous manner.

The Arab replied “Bapu…..now I have Gujju blood in my veins!”

[velu]

There was once a Gujarati living in USA called Raju Patel, who was involved in a car accident.

At the hospital, when he awoke, he called for the nurse to tell him what had happened to him.

"I'm very sorry, sir, but you were involved in a very bad car crash."

"Car crash! My Porsche! Is my car all right?" he asked hysterically.

"Sir, your car was destroyed, but that is the least of your worries - you lost your left arm in the crash, and we were unable to save it," she said apologetically.

"I lost my arm? My Rolex! My Rolex!"

"Sir, please calm down. That is the least of your worries.

You are in a very critical condition, but all your family are here to see you."

He asked for his family to be called in.

As they gathered around the bed, he called for each of them by name. "Shilpa, are you here?"

"I am here husband, and I will never leave you."

"Dilip, are you here?"

"I am here father, and I will never leave you."

"Anil, are you here?"

"I am here father, and I will never leave you."

"Priya, my child, are you here?"

"I am here father, and I will never leave you."

"Well," said Raju thoughtfully, "if Shilpa, Dilip, Anil and Priya are here..... WHO THE HELL IS IN THE SHOP?

[UmarAkmals-fan]

lol@ VELU

good 1s

[velu]

Originally Posted by UmarAkmals-fan lol@ VELU good 1s

gujju's and marwari's are known for their miserliness

[UmarAkmals-fan]

Originally Posted by velu gujju's and marwari's are known for their miserliness

in pakistan the sheikh (cast) r known for that lol

the first joke is actully a pakistani joke first used in punjabi stage dramas about sheikhs

[UmarAkmals-fan]

1 Pagal Her Waqt Kehta Tha:

Ghulail Banaon Ga Or Chirya Ko Maron Ga!

1 Din Usko Doctor
K Pass Le Gaye Or Uska Elaj Karwaya.

Dr:
Ab Kya Karo Ge?

Pagal:
Shadi Karon Ga,

Nokri Dhoondon Ga,

Ghar Basaon Ga.

Dr:
Very Good!

Phir Kya Karo Ge!

Pagal:
Bachon Ko Ache School Bhejon Ga,

Unka Birthday Manaon Ga,

Nekar Or Shirt Gift Aye Gi.

Dr:
Good Good! Phir?

Pagal:
Unki Nekar Se Lastic Nikalon Ga,

Ghulail Banaon Ga Or Chirya Ko Maron Ga;-D

[USIND]

Lol,It's a repeat UA_F.

You posted it before too.It's hilarious.

[thecricket]

^ i did :p

[UmarAkmals-fan]

One friday, a boy with a super hot girl entered a jewellery shop & chose a ring worth 8 lacs for her. The girl obviously felt awesome.

Boy gave a cheque & said he will collect the ring on Monday after the cheque clears.

On Monday the jeweller calls the boy: "There's no money in your a/c. The cheque bounced!"

Boy: "I know. But you can't imagine what a weekend I had...

[velu]

Originally Posted by UmarAkmals-fan One friday, a boy with a super hot girl entered a jewellery shop & chose a ring worth 8 lacs for her. The girl obviously felt awesome. Boy gave a cheque & said he will collect the ring on Monday after the cheque clears. On Monday the jeweller calls the boy: "There's no money in your a/c. The cheque bounced!" Boy: "I know. But you can't imagine what a weekend I had...

great one UAF

[ManHOOS]

^^^ uaf

[UmarAkmals-fan]

Black Husband to Wife.

Main Jaisa bhi houn Bachey Khubsurat hone chahyen.

Wife. Dekho jee Choice is Yours.
.

.
..
bacha ya tou Pyara ho ga..
Ya Tumhara Ho Ga

[ManHOOS]

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here

for a hearing test."

[UmarAkmals-fan]

Why do we see "Maa Ki Dua" written on Trucks n Buses..??
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bcoz Mercedez, CIVIC's n COROLLAs are usually the result of "Baap Ka Pais

[UmarAkmals-fan]

Breaking
news
(the great bollywood actor
''shahrukh khan'' died)
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In
kal ho na hou
shakti
darr
bazzigar
om shanti om

[UmarAkmals-fan]

A man and a woman who never met before, find themselves on upper and lower berth of a long dist train.

At 2 am: Man leans over saying "Maam sorry to bother u.. Wud u be kind enough to gv me second blanket from closet. Its awfully cold"

"I have a better idea" she replied.
"Just for tonite, y don't we pretend we r married.."

"Gr8 idea Maam." he replied in excitement.

She says,"Get up and take it urself.."

[UmarAkmals-fan]

Girl - Nice Mobile From Where Did You Buy.
.
Boy - I Win This In Running Race.
.
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Girl - How Many People Participated ?
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Boy - Mobile Owner
P O L I C E
N
M E....

[UmarAkmals-fan]

Sardar's wife to Srdar:
Tusi mery naal pyar nai kardy!

Sardar gussay sy apny 9 bachon ki taraf ishaara kartay howay: Tay ae fer main
"Google tou download kity ney"

[UmarAkmals-fan]

Ek aadmi apni biwi ka antim sanskar kar ke,
Ghar ja raha tha ke achanak bijli,
Chamki, Badal garje,
Zor se barish(rain) shuru hoi,
Aadmi bola lagta hai pahunch gai

[UmarAkmals-fan]

What is common between Allama Iqbal, Gandhi andQaid-e-Azam?Pathan replied“All r born on govt holidays”

[UmarAkmals-fan]

Two women were sent to jail for 20 years. They spend 20 years together and finally got free. They both smiled to each other and said: "Ok, will have the remaining talks after reaching home!"

[ManHOOS]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for

money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.



He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top

of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband

tells his wife:


"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and

hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't

complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy

is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."



To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told

me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in

the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too !!"

[ManHOOS]

This one is for you Velu Cheerz...

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."



When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink

Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."



A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want

your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.



Dave follows and spots her getting into a taxi. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside

her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else,

but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every

name in the book.

The taxiDriver turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bicth tonight, Dave."

[Looney]

lol UAF you always post the best jokes

[SwingNSeam]

Originally Posted by ManHOOS A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too !!"