***The Official PP theonion.com Thread*** The best spoof-news website on the net - PakPassion

DM

Post your favourite articles from theonion.com

For those who don't know, it's a spoof news website, updated almost daily these days.

Go to their archives, literally tonnes of material.

DM

I'll start off:

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29474

Quote:

Originally Posted by theonion

Report: World's Nuclear Arsenal 'Pretty Much' Accounted For

May 19, 1999 | Issue 35•19

UNITED NATIONS—The world's roughly 34,000 nuclear weapons are "pretty much" accounted for, according to a report released Monday by the U.N.

"The U.N. is confident that virtually all of the world's nuclear arsenal has been inventoried and catalogued," said Paavo Östersund, chair of the United Nations Nuclear Weapons Investigative Committee. "For those of you who fear that there are weapons of mass destruction in the hands of rogue states or terrorists, let me assure you that this is, to the best of our knowledge, not the case."

The report details the whereabouts and operational status of "the vast majority" of warheads on Earth, including North Korea's 300 NoDong-2 nuclear-capable medium-range missiles, Turkmenistan's 73 Scud B/C short-range missiles and the two to five 75-pound plutonium-core satchel nukes believed to be in the possession of radical Muslim fundamentalist Osama bin-Laden.

The report also outlines the status of most of China's several dozen or so ICBMs and India's three or four nuclear-capable missiles, and details on the dismantling of the roughly 21,000 nuclear warheads currently controlled by Kazakhstan, the Ukraine, Uzbekistan, Belarus and "a bunch of other former Soviet-bloc nations."

Pakistani citizens parade one of the nation's 15 or 16 known nuclear missiles through the streets of Islamabad.

In addition to completing a "pretty thorough" global nuclear-arms census, the U.N. also determined the location of a great deal of the world's weapons-grade fissionable materials.

"We worked closely with the U.S. Nuclear Regulatory Commission and the former Soviet Union's Strategic Rocket Forces with the firm objective of really getting a handle on this whole nuclear materials deal," said Robert L. Chang, a U.N. nuclear-devices inspector. "And we accounted for piles and piles of it. You'd really be surprised how little's actually missing."

According to Chang, the total volume of missing weapons, radioactive materials and sensitive strategic items is "actually barely even anything." The amount of material still unaccounted for, Chang said, is so small, it would fit in 10 or 12 dozen suitcases.

"You'd be surprised how low the possibility is of a portable nuclear device finding its way from a Third World splinter faction into the hands of a terrorist flying from Athens to New York City," Chang said. "The chances are a thousand to one."

"Besides," Chang continued, "nuclear devices are astronomically expensive on the black market. If a terrorist group were to purchase one, odds are low that they would use it in all but the most extreme cases."

The Pentagon is optimistic about the report.

"When talking about something like worldwide nuclear stability, it's critical to maintain a sense of perspective," Defense Department spokesman Kenneth Bacon said. "After all, what's more important? The tens of thousands of multi-megaton-capacity weapons that are accounted for, or the comparatively tiny couple of hundred that aren't?"

DM

Also just read one that had me in hysterics. Not clean enough to reprint, but here's the link - http://www.theonion.com/content/node/39073

DM

http://www.theonion.com/content/news..._production_of

Quote:

Originally Posted by theonion

Chrysler Halts Production Of Neckbelts

April 30, 1997 | Issue 31•16

DETROIT—Violent decapitations and permanent paralysis due to severing of the spinal cord are among the reasons cited by the Chrysler Corporation for its decision to recall all '97 automobiles containing the "neckbelts" safety feature.

"In the case of collision, it would appear that the neckbelts have a detrimental effect on overall passenger safety," read a statement released by the company Monday.

The recall, the most expensive in Chrysler's history, goes into effect early next week. In the meantime, the company is advising all motorists who use the neck belts to maintain a defensive driving stance at all times, as accidents may result in "crushed trachea, severe spinal and/or brain damage, and, in the most severe cases, sudden defenestration of the head area, as the entire region above the neck separates from the upper body, flying at tremendous speed through the breakaway glass of the windshield, rolling several yards into the street directly in front of the car," the Chrysler press release stated.

The neckbelts were developed with passenger safety in mind, say Chrysler spokespersons. "Our research showed that one of the biggest risks to motorists is the danger of passengers sustaining head injuries by striking the dashboard or the seat in front of them as their bodies are flung forward during a crash," Chrysler safety designer Robert McArdle said. "Our thinking was that by immobilizing the head and neck, this type of injury would decrease significantly."

The belts, McArdle said, were also intended to reduce the neck stress associated with whiplash. "Unfortunately, it appears that we were erroneous in this analysis as well," he added. "Even minor fender-benders seem to cause motorists wearing neckbelts to have their entire heads forcibly ripped from their torsos, landing in the front seat to the shocked screams of terrified onlookers."

Another negative side effect of the neckbelts is the psychological damage that may be suffered by eyewitnesses upon observing a convulsing, headless human body spontaneously jettison fountains of blood as the adrenaline-maximized heart furiously pumps quart after quart from the neck wound, coating the car interior, the Chrysler statement continued.

Neckbelt wearers are warned that a severed human head may remain alive for up to two minutes before blood loss, oxygen starvation and shock trauma cause it to lose consciousness.

"Brain death is something science still knows very little about," said Chrysler safety engineer Tom Savini, "but drivers should take note that law enforcement personnel have reported observing bouncing, rolling severed heads blinking their eyes and gasping for air as if attempting to speak minutes after separation from the torso on more than one occasion."

Savini said that such still-alive severed human heads "probably live out their last moments in a state of unimaginable agony," and urged caution on the part of drivers who wear the neckbelt device.

In addition to decapitation and paralysis, some consumer advocates have complained that the neckbelt safety devices inhibit side-to-side motion of the head, causing drivers to swerve wildly back and forth in order to maintain a clear view of the street. Other negative side effects cited include difficulty in breathing, eating and talking.

In the wake of industry-wide concern about the safety of the neckbelts, Chrysler is also reexamining the so-called "shrapnelizing" explosive dashboard which became a standard safety option on all new models in 1995.

"By splintering into literally thousands of rapidly spinning jagged fragments, which ricochet around the car's interior at tremendous speeds, tearing any living tissue inside to shreds in seconds, these dashboards may represent a significant safety risk to motorists," read a report submitted to CEO Robert Eaton by a Chrysler safety engineering team.

Many observers are comparing the Chrysler recall to the controversy surrounding the 1976 Ford Pinto, the economy-model compact which, when rear-ended, ignited its fuel tanks and became doused in flaming gasoline, causing passengers to ineffectually pound on the windows and scream as they were burned alive at superheated temperatures within, before exploding as a bomb does.

DM

http://www.theonion.com/content/news...es_indian_food

Quote:

Originally Posted by theonion

Area Grandmother Tries Indian Food

Eileen Rutherford waits to see how her stomach handles the plain naan before taking a second bite.

BLOOMINGTON, MN—Characterizing the experience as "different," local grandmother Eileen Rutherford, 78, ate Indian food for the first time Saturday.

Although Rutherford was initially reluctant to try the cuisine, she was persuaded by her visiting grandchildren Melissa, Brandon, and Allison, who told the septuagenarian she needed to "expand her horizons."

"I couldn't believe that she had lived through three wars and the Great Depression and never even tasted Indian food once," said Rutherford's eldest grandchild Melissa, 22. "I was like, 'Grandma, you've got to try it. It's so good.'"

Brandon, 19, made further entreaties, convincing a skeptical Rutherford that Indian food "has lots of sauces, sort of like spaghetti sauce" and repeatedly assuring her that she would like the bread. After Rutherford's offer to instead make cold-cut sandwiches for everyone was rebuffed, she relented and accompanied her grandchildren to the nearby Bombay Delights restaurant.

"She only lives two blocks from the place, but she never went in there," Allison, 20, said. "That's just sad."

According to Melissa, upon entering Bombay Delights, Rutherford seemed apprehensive about the restaurant's Hindu-themed décor, sitar music, and Indian people. Rutherford did, however, offer a positive comment on the table's elegantly arranged red linen napkins, saying, "These napkins are very nice."

Rutherford's attempt to order food was mired by several setbacks, including a struggle to locate her reading glasses and an assertion that she did not know what anything on the menu meant. Despite Allison's best efforts to explain that the entrée selections were clearly divided into sections by types of meats, seafood, and vegetables, Rutherford encouraged her grandchildren to "go ahead and order" for her.

Witnesses reported that Rutherford seemed overwhelmed by the unusual aromas upon receiving her first course. She appeared delighted, however, after she cut into the deep-fried pastry shell of a samosa and a recognizable pea rolled out. Rutherford went on to talk about peas for 15 minutes, including an anecdote about how she enjoyed shelling peas from their pods when she was a little girl.

"It's cool that we were able to get Grandma to experience a whole new set of flavors and textures," said Brandon, adding that it was gratifying to see his grandmother sample coconut chutney and dum aloo vindaloo. "Now that she's tasted Indian food, I wouldn't be surprised if she starts coming here all the time."

"And the look of awe on her face when they brought out the fluffy poori bread was so cute," he added. "When we deflated it with a fork, she just smiled."

Rutherford's grandchildren said the highlight of the evening was watching in giddy anticipation as Rutherford took her first bite of the main course, an authentic goat curry dish. According to Brandon, Rutherford raised her eyebrows slightly, silently nodded several times, then took a sip of water. For the remainder of the meal, Rutherford, who had never consumed goat meat before, ate primarily rice and plain naan.

In a statement given after the meal, Rutherford described the entrée as "just a little too flavorful."

"They put an awful lot of spices in there," said Rutherford, adding that she liked the sweetened "little ball things" they had for dessert. "It was very unusual."

Following the completion of the meal, the Bombay Delights waiter asked Rutherford how her food was, to which she responded that it was "nice to spend time with [her] grandchildren."

After leaving the restaurant, Rutherford returned home, made herself comfortable in her favorite chair, covered herself with a blanket, and ate tuna straight from the can.

DM

One of my all-time favourites:

Click link for the unabridged version

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33930

Quote:

Originally Posted by theonion

**** Everything, We're Doing Five Blades

By James M. Kilts
CEO and President,
The Gillette Company
February 18, 2004 | Issue 40•07

Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the ****ing vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit back with a little thing called the Mach3Turbo. That's three blades and an aloe strip. For moisture. But you know what happened next? Shut up, I'm telling you what happened—the ****ards went to four blades. Now we're standing around with our ***** in our hands, selling three blades and a strip. Moisture or no, suddenly we're the chumps. Well, **** it. We're going to five blades.

Sure, we could go to four blades next, like the competition. That seems like the logical thing to do. After all, three worked out pretty well, and four is the next number after three. So let's play it safe. Let's make a thicker aloe strip and call it the Mach3SuperTurbo. Why innovate when we can follow? Oh, I know why: Because we're a business, that's why!

You think it's crazy? It is crazy. But I don't give a s***. From now on, we're the ones who have the edge in the multi-blade game. Are they the best a man can get? ****, no. Gillette is the best a man can get.

What part of this don't you understand? If two blades is good, and three blades is better, obviously five blades would make us the best ****ing razor that ever existed. Comprende? We didn't claw our way to the top of the razor game by clinging to the two-blade industry standard. We got here by taking chances. Well, five blades is the biggest chance of all.

Here's the report from Engineering. Someone put it in the bathroom: I want to wipe my *ss with it. They don't tell me what to invent—I tell them. And I'm telling them to stick two more blades in there. I don't care how. Make the blades so thin they're invisible. Put some on the handle. I don't care if they have to cram the fifth blade in perpendicular to the other four, just do it!

You're taking the "safety" part of "safety razor" too literally, grandma. Cut the strings and soar. Let's hit it. Let's roll. This is our chance to make razor history. Let's dream big. All you have to do is say that five blades can happen, and it will happen. If you aren't on board, then **** you. And if you're on the board, then **** you and your father. Hey, if I'm the only one who'll take risks, I'm sure as hell happy to hog all the glory when the five-blade razor becomes the shaving tool for the U.S. of "this is how we shave now" A.

People said we couldn't go to three. It'll cost a fortune to manufacture, they said. Well, we did it. Now some egghead in a lab is screaming "Five's crazy?" Well, perhaps he'd be more comfortable in the labs at Norelco, working on ****ing electrics. Rotary blades, my white *ss!

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe we should just ride in Bic's wake and make pens. Ha! Not on your ****ing life! The day I shadow a penny-ante outfit like Bic is the day I leave the razor game for good, and that won't happen until the day I die!

The market? Listen, we make the market. All we have to do is put her out there with a little jingle. It's as easy as, "Hey, shaving with anything less than five blades is like scraping your beard off with a dull hatchet." Or "You'll be so smooth, I could snort lines off of your chin." Try "Your neck is going to be so friggin' soft, someone's gonna walk up and tie a goddamn Cub Scout kerchief under it."

I know what you're thinking now: What'll people say? Mew mew mew. Oh, no, what will people say?! Grow the **** up. When you're on top, people talk. That's the price you pay for being on top. Which Gillette is, always has been, and forever shall be, Amen, five blades, sweet Jesus in heaven.

Stop. I just had a stroke of genius. Are you ready? Open your mouth, baby birds, cause Mama's about to drop you one sweet, fat nightcrawler. Here she comes: Put another aloe strip on that ****er, too. That's right. Five blades, two strips, and make the second one lather. You heard me—the second strip lathers. It's a whole new way to think about shaving. Don't question it. Don't say a word. Just key the music, and call the chorus girls, because we're on the edge—the razor's edge—and I feel like dancing.

Wiji

The Chrysler one is hillarious, in a disturbing way.

I remember this site was quite popular quite a long time back. My elder brothers were always on it.

DM

Not to forget the more recent video section.

Interview with (a clearly depressed) Anteater expert, who's been living with and studying them for 15 years

http://www.theonion.com/content/vide..._wasted_entire

"we're honoured to have you with us today"
"thanks Jim, always a pleasure to be conversing with another human"

"catcher of ants"